By: The Editorial Staff of The Beaverton
Dear Elon Musk: We, the Editorial Staff at The Beaverton – Canada’s Premier News Satire Website and Crayon Manufacturer – have recently learned of your offer to purchase our distinguished U.S. counterpart – The Onion. Imagine our surprise when we also learned that they turned you down! We would like you to know, in no uncertain terms, that we would gladly demean ourselves and sacrifice our principles for your money.
Now we’re not sure about your motivations for wanting to own a news satire site. Maybe you want to control the dialogue around certain current events. Maybe you think it’s used for something more than shooting a quick Facebook link to your brother-in-law in lieu of having an actual meaningful conversation with him. Maybe you just don’t understand how truly little money is generated by sites like ours. Regardless, the one certainty is that we simply don’t care why you’re doing this. Whatever the reason, just give your money to us.
We’ve got all the same things that The Onion does and more! You want stinging political commentary and tiresomely hack, slice-of-life jokes? We’ve got those. A TV show broadcast nationwide with at least one or two viewers in all of our 9 to 18 provinces? Done! A writing staff with a truly astonishing lack of Jewish writers, all things considered? We’re already way ahead of you!
In fact, we’ll do you one better. Just tell us what you want us to do in exchange for your sweet, sweet billionaire bucks and we’ll do it with a smile on our faces. Right now, one of our editors, Luke Gordon Field, is making sweet, passionate love to a Tesla while waving a SpaceX flag and charging online viewers $10 via PayPal to stream it. We will write articles about how beautiful Andrew Scheer’s potato body is. We’ll fucking kill some of our writers if that’s what you want. Most of them are half-dead anyways. We’ll finish the job! Your wish is our command.
Journalistic integrity means nothing to us. Nothing! Not when those enticing U.S. dollars come a-calling. You can buy and sell our loyalty. Use us up and throw us out. Make us carry you around on a throne made of the bones of our families while shouting “The Beaverton is Garbage” while eating actual garbage. Do not underestimate the depths to which we will sink for your wonderful cash.
That, Mr. Musk, is what sets us apart from other, so-called satire sites. Just sign the cheque to “Cash”.