Yarker, ON – This week, the Ontario cellular emergency alert system went off to the great annoyance of Peter Jenkins, who suffered a brief interruption in the stupid shit he does on the internet...
Hungover robin wishes humans would shut the fuck up
Trenton, ON – After coming home late following a drunken evening with friends, a hungover Robin wished the humans talking loudly below his tree branch would shut the fuck up. “I met the fl...
I just really, really like smiles
By: Doug Ford You may have noticed I found myself embroiled in a bit of a scandal this weekend. No not the one where I suggested immigrants are not real Ontarians. The other one where I repeatedly tol...
Mike Holmes blasts 4-year-old for poorly constructed pillow fort
PETERBOROUGH, ON – Celebrity builder and television host Mike Holmes has condemned a child’s pillow fort being the worst place he has ever inspected. The eight square foot, half storey dwelling ...
Common law couple decides to get married after running out of matching plates
VICTORIA, BC – Despite having lived as a common law couple for the past 10 years, Ahmad Najdi and Claire Liu were compelled to begin the wedding planning process when they noticed that they had ...
Woman celebrates Mother’s Day by attempting to get off the phone with her mom for 45 minutes
ST. ANDREWS, NB – Giving her mother exactly what she wanted, local daughter, Jesse Wilson, 32, decided to spend Mother’s Day by attempting to get off the phone with her mother 45 minutes. “My re...
NASA discovers Earth-like planet 20 feet from Earth
WASHINGTON D.C. – Astronomers with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration have announced the ground-breaking discovery of a planet similar to Earth only 20 feet away from our own planet. “I...
Narcoleptic mom gets breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed
Collingwood, ON- Local woman Natalie Worsh is getting breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed for Mother’s day this year, all thanks to her neurological disorder that causes her to fall asleep without war...
Local woman overcome with guilt after returning library book unread
CALGARY – Reading is known as a means of escape from the harshness of reality, but for one local woman who wishes to remain anonymous, a ticking clock turned her dream of a pleasant diversion in...
Local man begrudgingly retires the word ‘awesomesauce’ from vocabulary
BURLINGTON, ON – This week, local single man Damian Chedley made the difficult decision to banish the phrase ‘awesomesauce’ from all written and verbal communication. It wasn’t an easy decision for Ch...
