Yarker, ON – This week, the Ontario cellular emergency alert system successfully located a missing child at the unfortunate expense of office worker Peter Jenkins, who suffered a brief interruption in the stupid shit he does on the internet to kill time at his job.
Jenkins had completed his customary thirty minutes of work for the morning and was settling in to a Buzzfeed article featuring animated .gifs of dogs trying to run on ice when he was rudely interrupted by a simple, easily dismissed text alert that an infant was in grave danger.
“It totally threw off my rhythm,” said Jenkins, who was so put off he decided not to click through on an advertisement for a tiny replica of the Seinfeld television set.
He then sacrificed time he had earmarked to “see what’s up on Reddit” to immediately register his displeasure on Facebook, writing, ‘Dear Ontario: Unless I live within an exact kilometre of this emergency, don’t alert me! I won’t stand for it!’
Of course, Jenkins will stand for it as he is a powerless man, and was also eager to return to a debate about whether a pizza is still pizza if the crust is made from cauliflower. “For the record, I don’t think it is,” said Jenkins.
The 32-year-old office supply co-ordinator had almost recovered from the shock and was taking a quiz about which member of the Avengers would be his BFF when he was interrupted by a second alert.
“I thought the first one was annoying,” said Jenkins, “But imagine how I felt when they bothered me AGAIN to say that the missing child had been located and was safe. I was like, overshare much?”
Jenkins looks forward to returning home where he can relax from the day’s trauma with some premium Netflix bullshit.