STUDY: 9 out of 10 women would replace finger with never-ending ChapStick

GUELPH, ON – With the arrival of cold weather, a new study has determined that 9 out of 10 women would gladly remove one of their fingers to install a permanent, everlasting tube of ChapSti…

Report: Tingling in your left arm probably nothing

HALIFAX – Sources are reporting that the tingling in your left arm is nothing to be concerned with. Further reports indicate that you should not call 911 but rather stay in line at this sur…

How to baby proof your home using birth control

For many new parents, one of the biggest stresses of bringing home their little bundle of joy is making sure that their home is safe. The home is a nightmare of hazards, from knives, to bathtubs,…

Hello! Magazine airdrops 200,000 emergency copies to Yemeni refugees to spread word on Harry and Meghan’s engagement

ADDIS ABABA – Relief for desperate Yemeni refugees is on its way with over 200,000 copies of Hello! Magazine being airdropped containing much needed news on the engagement of Prince Harry a…

Flynn outsmarts Mueller by indicting himself first

WASHINGTON D.C. — Following a report that Robert Mueller’s Russia probe plans to bring charges against President Trump’s former national security adviser, retired Lt. General Mi…

So long, Zed: New guidelines say last letter of alphabet should be pronounced ‘Zouble-you’

OTTAWA – Experts at the Canadian Institute of Alphabet Studies have released new guidelines saying the 26th letter of the modern Latin alphabet should be pronounced ‘Zouble-you.’ “It’s a gr…

If Andrew Scheer really supported free speech, he’d retweet this editorial where we call him a douche

By The Beaverton Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer claims to support free speech. At least when it suits HIS causes, like the Wilfrid Laurier TA debacle. But given his lack of outrage over a Cath…

After Rogers cuts support, Viceland TV to move back in with parents

TORONTO – After hearing reports that Rogers Communications is considering pulling out of its financial backing of Viceland TV, the young-adult channel announced that it would be returning t…

Canada’s doctors find a new way to convince people to get vaccinated

  Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…

BREAKING: Man remembers why he went into that room

QUEBEC CITY- After blankly standing around for several moments, late breaking reports indicate that local man John Grigio finally remembers why he went into this room. “He was just standing in fr…