TORONTO — Following the arrest of alleged serial killer Bruce MacArthur, Police Service Chief Mark Saunders have declared Toronto’s entire LGBTQ community “on thin ice” for failing to arrest him sooner.
At a press conference this morning, Toronto Police announced they were willing to give the thousands-strong LGBTQ community “one last chance to close a case” by releasing a photo of an unidentified murder victim.
“The LGBTQ community’s murder clearance rate is abysmal,” said Det. Sgt. Hank Idsinga, as he displayed the gruesome photo of another unidentified victim of prolific serial killer Bruce MacArthur. “And if we can’t rely on the LGBTQ community to investigate, solve, and prosecute these crimes, then who can we – the Toronto Police – hope to turn to next?”
Idsinga pointed reporters to statistics showing that Toronto’s LGBTQ community’s extremely poor investigative track record. He then revealed that Toronto’s LGBTQ citizens have not solved any homicides whatsoever, which he characterized as “a massive dereliction of gay and lesbian Torontonians’ sworn duty to serve and protect.”
“It’s almost as if Toronto’s LGBTQ community is not conducting itself like a major metropolitan police force,” Idsinga lamented.
While LGBTQ activists insist that residents of Toronto’s gay village spent years warning police of a serial killer operating in their midst, Chief Mark Saunders warned them against “making excuses.” Saunder reportedly asked, “If you knew this, then why didn’t you go catch him? Actions are always stronger than words.”
Police HQ insiders also report Chief Saunders angrily summoned Toronto’s entire community of LGBTQ citizens into his office to “chew them out,” for their failure to close the case themselves.
“If you don’t start closing more murder cases I’ll bust you all down to traffic cop so fast your collective heads will spin,” Saunders was overheard shouting to thousands of non-deputized LGBTQ civilians.
Back at the press conference, Det. Sgt. Idsinga was blunt with his criticism of Toronto’s LGBTQ community. “If they can’t solve a years-long series of serial murders right on their own doorsteps, how are they possibly going to solve murders all across our city, or investigate other crimes the police are also ignoring?”
Idsinga added, “And the LGBTQ community can forget about being invited to this year’s Policeman’s Ball!”
At press time, Toronto mayor John Tory assured reporters that he had “no opinion whatsoever on the matter.”