Government urges people to stay out of the woods during yeti mating season
BANFF NATIONAL PARK – Provincial wildlife experts are warning hikers, skiers and snowmobilers that we’ve entered the most active period of the Yeti mating season and forestested areas are n…
Toronto’s homeless are probably fine now that it’s only -10 out, right?
BY: HANK LANGMIRE This past week I was shocked and disgusted after reading about how the city totally failed to provide our homeless with adequate shelter from the extreme cold. It was shameful, …
St. Francis Xavier’s pinky finger curls ominously after parishioner makes first wish
Antigonish, NS – Reports indicate that the relic of St. Francis Xavier has curled back one of its digits after a man reportedly made a wish for $200,000 to pay for his mortgage. “I warned y…
Local mom summons Pinhead after completing Candy Crush Saga
LONDON, ON—The van der Kleij family is distraught after Linda, a stay-at-home mom of four, was forcibly removed to the Cenobite dimension after completing Candy Crush Saga. “She played that game …
Fire and Fury revelations most damming evidence against Trump’s competence since everything else in his presidency
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Loblaws accused of price-fixing scheme on apology gift cards from last price-fixing scheme
Brampton, ON — Grocery chain Loblaws, which recently offered $25 gift cards to apologize for a nationwide 14-year-long price fixing scheme on bread, has been accused of subjecting the gift …
Please stop offering me the “Pee Tape”
EDITORIAL by Robert Mueller, former FBI Director As special counsel for the Department of Justice, I’m aware that the details of my investigation into the Trump campaign are vague. The ver…
Magnanimous man takes break from thinking about himself to think about those who might benefit him
Red Deer, AB – Red Deer resident Patrick Stoara took a brief respite from thinking about himself to think about those who might be able to help him in some way. “With social media we live i…
Harper government offers official apology to victims of long-form census
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. June 10th, 2010 OTTAWA – Prime Minister Stephen Harper has issued an…
Andrew Scheer proves he’s a regular guy by seeking credit for doing the bare minimum
OTTAWA – Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer proved he truly is a man of the people last week when he took the absolute minimum required action to remove Senator Lynn Beyak from the Conservative ca…
