Kingston, ON – The students and faculty of All Star Defensive Driving Academy were delighted to find a star pupil in 65 year old Derek Knox, who knew the answer to every single question posed ab...
BREAKING: France okay with certain immigrants
MOSCOW, RUSSIA – After a high scoring 4 – 2 victory over Croatia in the 2018 World Cup finals, the entire nation of France announced Sunday that it finally embrace certain immigrants, or c...
Campus leftists under fire for refusing to engage in debate with escaped zoo tiger
TORONTO – In a rejection of liberal values characteristic of the modern Left, campus progressives are refusing to debate the eleven-foot man-eating tiger who recently escaped the zoo. “In a liberal so...
“Antarctic ice loss has tripled,” says crumpled report in garbage bin in Exxon’s cocaine lounge
Irving, TX – Oil industry insiders say that an alarming climate change report has been received by one of the top waste baskets in Exxon’s largest narcotic lounge. “It is imperative that we redu...
Ontario student from 2021 aces standardized phrenology exam
UXBRIDGE, ON – An Ontario student living three years into the future will receive a perfect score on his standardized phrenology exam. William Paxter, 17, will put in long hours of studying the ...
White friend just not that into politics
SCARBOROUGH – After failing to show any interest in June’s provincial election, local white friend Madison Thomas stunned no one by announcing she’s “just not that into” politics. According to sources...
Revived 1998 Ontario sex-ed curriculum encourages students to be more of a Chandler and less of a Joey
TORONTO – Following the announcement that schools in Ontario will be returning to the prior 1998 sex-ed lesson plans, educators have begun dusting off old materials, which instruct students to act mor...
Quick-thinking beachgoers save Elizabeth May trapped in plastic six ring pack
SAANICH, BC – A group of environmental do-gooders saved Green Party Leader and endangered species Elizabeth May who was found tangled in a web of six ring beer packs. “My partner and I were doin...
Summer camp proprietor really hoping these unexplained axe murders blow over
HALIBURTON, ON – With the body count of attractive teenage victims rising, local summer camp proprietor, Mel Heinman, 57, told reporters yesterday he really hopes all these unexplained axe-murde...
How can Cristiano Ronaldo be the greatest footballer of all time when he’s never won a Super Bowl?
EDITORIAL by Your High School Football Coach, Mr. Hapsfield I’ve been a fan of the great sport of football for my entire life, and lately a bunch of people are talking about this Cristiano Ronaldo guy...
