Ontario PC’s unveil dental plan: a pair of pliers poor people can borrow
TORONTO – In response to the NDP’s campaign promise to institute universal dental care for Ontario residents if elected, the Progressive Conservatives announced their own dental plan: a sin…
Vladimir Putin suspected of colluding with Russians to win election
MOSCOW – In a victory speech today, Vladimir Putin staunchly denied any collusion with Russians to aid his campaign, allegations which have cast a dark shadow on his decisive 4th election w…
Couple that recently had a baby just wants to know how you’re doing
Sudbury, ON – Uninterested in discussing the minutia or any detail whatsoever of their recent newborn, local couple Christine and Elias Monroe have asked several probing questions about your life…
Norm Kelly releases clothing line inspired by his abhorrent voting record
TORONTO – Capitalizing on his online popularity, longtime Toronto politician Norm Kelly announced today that his official 6DAD store will be releasing a new clothing line inspired by his ab…
NYPD shutters homicide division after realizing nosy old ladies have better clearance rates
NEW YORK – The New York City Police Department shut down their homicide division today after an exhaustive overview of clearance rates proves murders investigated by inquisitive spinsters a…
BC government agrees to reclassify farmland as residential if residents agree to be reclassified as food
VICTORIA – In the midst of skyrocketing real estate and land prices, the government of British Columbia has decided to rezone several agricultural blocks of land as residential but has stip…
Costco kiosks offering free sample tastes of bleach
ISSAQUAH, WA – Interested in expanding the selection of products customers may taste before purchasing in bulk, Costco kiosks across North America have begun to offer delicious free samples of bl…
Montreal police mark St. Patrick’s Day with green-coloured tear gas
MONTREAL — Revelers were treated to a rare spectacle, Saturday, thanks to Montreal’s police service (SPVM) when officers in riot gear broke up the annual St. Patrick’s day parade by firing …
Axe throwing escape room gastropub dodgeball event ends in tragedy
VANCOUVER – A new business designed to combine the trends of axe throwing, escape rooms, adult dodgeball, and unique dining experience has closed on its first day after the deaths of 438 patrons.…
Dear Elon Musk: We’ll happily compromise our integrity in exchange for your money
By: The Editorial Staff of The Beaverton Dear Elon Musk: We, the Editorial Staff at The Beaverton – Canada’s Premier News Satire Website and Crayon Manufacturer – have recently learned of your of…
