HAMILTON, ON – As the summer shifts into full swing, Hamilton residents have been placed on high alert with reports that the tick epidemic currently sweeping the city has failed to counteract the Torontonian epidemic that has been on the rise the last several years.
“It’s a really bad day for the residents of Hamilton,” said Hamilton Public Health Department Spokesperson, Rebecca O’Shay. “The black-legged tick has proven a woefully ineffective adversary to the skinny jean wearing Torontonians now overrunning the city. The ecosystem is in complete disarray.”
The common deer tick can carry Lyme disease, which causes a litany of maladies such as chronic joint pain, loss of memory, and inflammation of the brain. As the climate warms, the tiny creatures have begun to establish a permanent home in parts of Southern Ontario. Meanwhile, the common Torontonian is a carrier of acute financial desperation that allows them to occupy geographical areas once deemed ‘beneath them,’ resulting in chronic rent increases, loss of Hamiltonians, and inflammation of housing prices.
O’Shay warns residents to steer clear of recently gentrified areas, as they are known as a breeding ground for Torontonians. “They tend to latch themselves onto single-storey, post-war homes that have fallen into disrepair,” stated O’Shay. “That said, if you decide to venture into such environments, be sure to wear a long sleeved Mohawk College hoodie or Ti-Cats jersey to ward off the pests.”
However, not everyone is willing to tolerate the recent scourge of Torontonians. Longtime local resident, Kyle Weese, is unimpressed with the situation he now finds himself in. “What the absolute fuck”, said Weese from his possum-ridden accomodations in East Hamilton.“First I gotta deal with some jerk-ass ticks eating up my legs when I walk through tall grass. And now I gotta deal with some jerk-ass Torontonians raising up my property taxes? Screw this, bud! I’m fucking off to Cambridge. Peace!”
At press time, Cambridge has begun construction on a moat perimeter to protect itself from the coming Hamiltonian infestation.