OTTAWA – The Royal Canadian Mint declared a state of crisis this week, announcing that they have nearly run out of ideas for pictures to print on the quarter.
“The mint has a proud history of printing all kinds of crazy shit on the quarter,” said Mint Lead Designer Joe Walsh. “There’s actually a quarter floating around with a picture of my son’s fencing team.”
Joe considers it his solemn duty to ensure that when Canadians reach into their pocket for change, they are always rewarded with some funky shit on their money. “I haven’t seen a quarter with an elk on it in years, and that’s the way I like it,” added Walsh.
To address the dearth of new ideas, in recent years, the Mint has lowered their standards for what images belong on the quarter. Recent designs have included David Suzuki waving at a walrus, one of Don Cherry’s loud suits poking out of a hamper, and even an artist’s depiction of Jean Chretien strangling a reporter.
In 2017, they even turned to the public for inspiration, holding a contest which led to a quarter with a drawing of some kid’s stepdad with an X through it.
“We’ve tried it all,” said Walsh. “Multiple Olympics editions, quarters for each province, INCLUDING Saskatchewan. Glow in the dark quarters, colourful quarters… I even suggested a quarter with a little pocket built in to hold another quarter, but our engineers said they wouldn’t work in pop machines.“
Walsh estimates that the Mint has only a couple years before they completely run out of shit to put on quarters. “I’ve still got some ideas. For example, on my way in to work today I saw a dead bird next to a fire hydrant and thought, “Yeah, that’s a quarter.”
But if the situation is not addressed soon, the mint will just have to print a regular fucking quarter. “I shudder to think of all those Canadians, pulling a quarter from their pocket and suffering from a consistent, uniform currency.”