Ontario leaders blame their platform miscalculations on poor provincial math curriculum

TORONTO – Ontario leaders have placed the blame on the province’s math curriculum claiming it was inadequate to prepare them for proposing political platforms that involve numbers and…

Trudeau brokers solution to Notley/Horgan dispute by personally killing John Horgan

VICTORIA – Proving once again that he’s able to bring premiers to the table and force compromise, Justin Trudeau has put an end to Alberta and B.C.’s pipeline dispute by personally bludgeon…

Life Hack: This millennial is retiring early by being born in 1954

Millennials have had a rough ride. And while early retirement may seem impossible to the young demographic taking over the workforce, this millennial has figured out a quick and easy shortcut to …

Local woman in $108 Roots sweatpants, ‘I look homeless’

BARRIE, ON – Sporting a carefully constructed hair-bun aimed at looking effortless and a new pair of Roots sweatpants that cost $108, Alyssa Kruse bemoaned that she looked homeless. Kruse explain…

Jack-of-all-trades unemployable in most trades

TIMMINS, ON – Self-proclaimed “Jack-of-all-trades” Harvey Koppel has been unemployed for the last 18 months after finding that his broad-ranging skills did not translate to the workforce. K…

Ford promises killing Greenbelt will finally allow oil pipeline between Barrie and Oshawa

TORONTO – Showing once again his keen mind for policy, Doug Ford has promised that destroying the Ontario Greenbelt will finally allow the kind of oil pipeline development that Canada has b…

Parents told their baby ‘looks just like them’ mistakenly interpret that as a compliment

Stratford, ON – Local couple Malorie Lester and Richard Finkel are under the woefully inaccurate impressions that their friends and family were being positive when they told them their new …

Winnipeg strikers demand casual Fridays

An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. May 15th, 1919 WINNIPEG – Thousands of striking workers have paralyz…

Local man furious after missing child alert momentarily disrupts parade of vapid internet bullshit

Yarker, ON – This week, the Ontario cellular emergency alert system went off to the great annoyance of Peter Jenkins, who suffered a brief interruption in the stupid shit he does on the int…

Hungover robin wishes humans would shut the fuck up

Trenton, ON – After coming home late following a drunken evening with friends, a hungover Robin wished the humans talking loudly below his tree branch would shut the fuck up. “I met t…