ST ANDREWS, NB – Three-year-old Gillian O’Shea was successfully coated in a fourth layer of sunscreen today before her family’s trip to the beach, “just to be safe,” according to her father Peter, who had also covered her with a sun hat, child-sized pink Ray Bans, long sleeves, mosquito netting and a welder’s mask. The extra layers of sunscreen resulted in Gillian slipping from her father’s grasp no less than ten times while he attempted to lift her into the car.
“My skin tastes yucky,” claimed three-year-old O’Shea after licking her foot, which she had successfully extracted from her child-sized steel-toed play-boots moments after being placed in the airbag-equipped car-seat. “I’m going to be slimy forever,” she added.
“The sun is only one of countless natural phenomena lying in wait for the perfect moment to ruin a child’s life forever,” explains infant-safety specialist Norman Schaffer. “There are many simple steps you can take to protect against it, but parents who feel overwhelmed by the oppressively dangerous world that surrounds their helpless children at all times are encouraged to simply go to town on their kid with as many layers of sunscreen as they can, just to give themselves a small, fleeting moment of security in the face of a world that is fraught with risks they will never be able to fully control.”
Gillian’s grandparents, who regularly e-mail their son links to articles about ways that Gillian might possibly be hurt by anything from puddles to fridge magnets, were skeptical about the choice to bring her to the beach at all: “She has such weak bones, what with her massive vitamin D deficiency. They’re just asking for trouble,” claimed grandpa Davin.
Upon arrival at the beach, Gillian was fitted with reflective tape, a pair of water wings, a GPS-enabled locator-beacon, a personal Geiger-counter and a leash.
“This is boring and gross,” Gillian was heard repeating multiple times during her beach visit, adding “I need to pee.”
“The beach used to be somewhere I would come to in order to relax,” explained Gillian’s mother Jessica, “But now, it’s more…” she added, trailing off as she stared into the distance in a state of total exhaustion.
As of press time, Gillian had developed a cough, which her father explained by mentioning, “We didn’t want her to be vaccinated.”