VANCOUVER – A local lawn ornament store is holding a going out of business sale that neighbours in the area are saying does a great job showcasing all the reasons the business was a ridiculous boondoggle that was doomed to failure.
The faded sign reading (in a bold comic sans font) “Gary’s Garden Bonanza” is now partially covered in a hand-painted “Everything To Go!” banner. The off-putting frontage and confusing wordage was only a primer to the dysfunctional shopping experience on offer.
Inside the store customers were greeted by haphazard displays of mismatched flamingos and what can only be described as “heavily used” porcelain gnomes. Many customers were in awe of the store’s longevity and basic existence.
“This store is unbelievable,” enthused Karin Archibald. “I literally can’t believe it was a viable business. I’ve lived two blocks away for years and I had no idea this was here, or how it stayed open for more than a week.” While wandering through the dimly lit aisles past shelves of knickknacks and baubles, Ms Archibald questioned who would open such a place, “and is anyone even working in here now?”
The proprietor, Gary Buchanan, could be found in the back office, the door sandwiched between a bucket of hockey sticks and a display for a single roll of duct tape. Mr Buchanan has owned and operated the store for what neighbouring shop owners describe as a “mind-bending” 30 years.
“I bought the lot with a bit of inheritance from an old relative. My parents always had a garden, and my wife and I liked gardens.” As to the question of how he managed to keep such a poorly conceived and operated business going for so many years he credited hard work, long hours, and laundering money for several local drug dealers.
When asked about plans for the future following the store’s closing Mr Buchanan answered, “well, I sold the lot for 40 million dollars to a condo developer, so I think we’ll be okay.”