Suspicious unattended bag just happy to be noticed - The Beaverton

Suspicious unattended bag just happy to be noticed

— Doing its best to remain humble, a Dunlop overnight bag left unattended at the city’s International Airport is reportedly drawn the attention of onlookers as well as the .

“Who, little ol’ me?” demurred the untended and definitely homemade -sized bag as the terminal had been evacuated. The bag, which local traveller Craig Albarn reported to airport security at 11:35am, was reported as sitting on the floor in a fashion that made it difficult to ignore.

“Well, aren’t you forward,” replied the anxiety-inducing bag as it was sniffed by a bomb squad dog. “One generally doesn’t expect this kind of attention unless you’re one of those fancy Samsonite rolling suitcases.”

While authorities and onlookers have speculated about the bag’s contents, the carry-on remained coy. “Do I have explosives inside me? Or is it just a change of clothes and a shaving kit? My lips, as well as my entire front flap, are zipped tight,” added the enigmatic bag.

While this is not the first time that a lone bag has turned heads at Calgary International, rarely has a bag set off so many alarms. “Oh, far be it from me to ignite this much interest,” replied the bag, which was recently cordoned off. “Also, better hope that’s all I ignite!”

Asked if it had set out to become the hottest trending topic in Calgary’s rumor mills and EMS broadcasts, the slightly worn polyester bag insisted it was just happy to be talked about at all.

As onlookers exchanged comments and the bomb defusing robot slowly approached, the suspicious tote waxed nostalgically about its “glory days”.

“It’s been a while since my old faded self has turned any heads. Who knows what I’m capable of doing to regain the limelight.”

At press time, it was determined that that bag was actually heading to a podiatrists convention in Moncton.

Want more satire in your life? Check out the Beaverton Podcast!