BC Premier’s bathroom mirror smeared with “Revenge” written in bitumen
YELLOWKNIFE – After attempting to get some sleep before a Western Premiers’ Meeting, BC Premier John Horgan awoke to discover that someone had smeared the words “Revenge” in thick Alberta b…
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
With spring cleaning comes full-on panicked renovations! Revamp your cluttered home by swapping out those rugs you’ve probably never vacuumed with these sensational seasonal faves! Wait, are thes…
Air demonstration team bedazzles spectators with early 1960s technology
ANDERSON, SC – A thrilling spectacle unfolded over the skies of South Carolina on Sunday as the RCAF’s Snowbirds showcased their aircraft’s cutting-edge technology from the early 1960s. The…
Ministry of Natural Resources announces new dooring quotas in annual cyclist cull
TORONTO – As the weather warms up, heralding the return of dooring season, the Ontario Ministry of Natural Resources has released new guidelines for the number of cyclists that motorists wi…
Facebook dating algorithm to find the perfect match for your carefully curated online persona
SILICON VALLEY – Taking a break from helping the Russian government tamper with American elections, Facebook has pivoted into the dating sphere, utilizing their infamous data collection to …
Ontario voters galvanized by Andrea Horwath’s platform of ‘Hey, me I guess?’
TORONTO – The provincial New Democrats are booming in the polls, thanks to Andrea Horwath’s electrifying platform of ‘hey, at this point it’s either me or worse Rob Ford.’ “Good e-nough! Go…
New Whatsapp update automatically inundates users with 43 voice messages from aunt
WATERLOO, ON – The free messaging application Whatsapp announced an update earlier this week that would automatically send users 43 messages from their aunt. The new feature presents users …
Equality win: A&W introduces Female Cousin Burger into male-dominated Burger family
NORTH VANCOUVER – Scoring an important victory for all women, A&W has announced a new addition to its menu aimed at narrowing the gender gap within their trademark Burger family. The al…
Local patio can’t wait for start of drunk asshole season
TORONTO – As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, the patio at local restaurant Bennie’s is ramping up to Drunk Asshole season when it’ll finally be covered by boozy morons bein…
TTC introduces new Presto Gold card for elite commuters who demand premium delays
TORONTO – After the success of Presto, their automated payment method, the TTC has unveiled their newest innovation: PrestoGold, a special, invite-only card for public transit’s creme de la…
