AJAX, ON — Friends of accused cannibal, Robert Black, are rushing to his defence after a tip to police revealed a freezer full of limbs in the basement of his house.
“Look, I know Rob. He’s a good guy, very funny, charming and if he was a cannibal, I’d know,” says Jerry Manley a friend for ten years. “He never once tried to eat me. I mean, did my wife feel uncomfortable around him? Did she feel his predatory gaze linger on her numerous times? Yes! That’s Rob though, he’s just like that. Y’know?”
As police comb several properties owned by Black searching for more bodies, numerous neighbours paint a picture of a fun, easy going man who never tried to hunt them to consumer their bodies.
“It’s really hard to see what Robbie going through right now,” says Avery Tir, head of the Neighbourhood Watch. “He’s being held without bail, he’s lost his job and he says prison food is inedible. We don’t know the whole story. Maybe these people wanted to be eaten.”
When one of the bodies found had been identified as fellow neighbour, Stan Rogers. Tir was quick to defend Black; “[Rogers] had it coming. Should’ve seen how he was dressed at the BBQ, covered in ketchup and mustard. Marinating under the hot sun all day? He was asking to get eaten.”
“Let me tell you about the Rob that I know,” says Manley. “He’s a meticulous planner, you should see his room of maps, his collection of locks of hair. They’re so organized, kept behind glass. He’ll just stare at them with pride.”
In spite of mounting evidence, Manley says he will continue to stand by his best bud: “Straight up – I would love to be eaten by someone like him. If I met Robbie at a bar I’d let him take a nibble, why not?” He adds: “I don’t understand why my wife hates him.”
“We weren’t surprised,” said every woman who interacted with him.