VANCOUVER – Yesterday evening, twelve year old Dylan Kitchener got more than he bargained for while rummaging through his parent’s closet. The impressionable youth stumbled upon a cardboard box labeled “dad’s stories” that in reality was filled with raw police chase videos.
“I was just in here looking for my Switch, mom and dad took it away after catching me on a porn site,” said the fragile young mind, still reeling from the discovery. “But then I found that box… Are these why we keep that weird old VHS thing around? I thought it was for my parent’s wedding video and camping stuff from when they were kids.”
Growing up in a world of unlimited online videos and shortening attention spans the youngster seemed completely unprepared for the raw intensity of an old guy introducing grainy footage of car chases for 45 straight minutes.
When confronted Dylan’s father, 40 year old Michael Kitchener, was at first angry, telling his young son that those were “special videos for adults” and that he’d “explain them to you when you’re a little older.”
“But then it really brought me back to those glory days,” Mr Kitchener said nostalgically. “When you didn’t have all this crap cluttering up your phone with tiny 15 second clips and blogs and insta whatevers. When you could put in a tape, sit back, and watch a bunch of idiots drive their cars into telephone poles narrated by some washed-up actor.”
As of press time Dylan was last seen on his iPad mainlining 4 straight hours of car crashes on Liveleak.