QUIZ: Which member of Smash Mouth should you euthanize
Summmm BODY once told me that euthanasia is a compassionate response to unbearable physical pain. But the meteor men beg to differ! Pain can be mental, especially if you’re Smash Mouth. Look, all…
Service dogs now trained to assist women who provide emotional labour
GUELPH, ON – As part of a pilot program introduced this spring at the University of Guelph, the roles of service dogs trained to support mental health are being expanded to include assistan…
Stoned Canadians pretty sure government legalized pot last year
GUELPH, ON – Upon being advised that the Senate had finally voted to legalize marijuana a large and lethargic group of Canadians reported confusion, as they were fairly confident that happe…
Exclusive: A Canadian shoe smuggling mule who’s able to fit 9 pairs in his rectum when he crosses US border
FORT ERIE, ON – A Canadian shoe smuggler has gone to great lengths to remain undetected by border security revealing a dangerous game between cat and mouse. When US President Donald Trump w…
Hi-tech baby toy selling data about your child’s favourite shapes to Cambridge Analytica
PALO ALTO – In only the latest privacy scandal to rock Silicon Valley, new leaks reveal that the LeapPad learning tablet has been selling information about your child’s favourite shapes to right …
Trudeau stays silent on U.S. separating families to preserve excellent relationship between Canada and Trump
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Trudeau is refusing to end the Safe Third Country Agreement, or criticize the Trump admin’s policy of separating migrant children from their parents, noting that to …
Ford offers Ontario companies holding cap-and-trade credits free tires to burn
TORONTO – Ontario Premier-designate Doug Ford will offer companies that have purchased carbon credits used tires so that they may be burned for heat. Claiming that the move will avoid any p…
Advocates urge cyclists to use new “Please don’t kill me” hand signal
TORONTO – Cycling safety advocates have developed a new hand signal following a string of fatal accidents on Toronto’s streets. In addition to the existing signals for ‘right’, ‘left’, and …
Smell of burnt toast convinces entire Diner they’re about to have a seizure
OTTAWA – Recalling only a few seconds of that Canadian Heritage Moment, every patron of a local diner was immediately certain they were about to have a seizure after the kitchen burnt two p…
Wedding planner suggests barn
KINGSTON – The longstanding puzzle of where to hold the upcoming wedding of a Kingston couple was valiantly solved by local wedding planner, Suzanne Albright, who bravely saved the day by suggest…
