HAMILTON, ON — Local woman Sidney Danskin finally admitted the truth to herself, that her sole purpose in life is to impress her teen neighbour Maddison Nicks with her clothing choices.
“I’m glad I can finally be honest with myself,” says Danskin, a 38-year-old Cardiothoracic Surgeon. “That one time Maddison mentioned that she thought my ‘kicks’ were ‘tight’, I felt a rush of joy that no success or relationship has ever made me feel. Now that I have felt this way, I don’t ever want to go back.”
Maddison Nicks, a popular grade 11 student at Westmount Secondary school, is notorious for not caring about anyone or anything. This fact made the comment even more meaningful to Danskin.
Since receiving her compliment from Maddison, Danskin has gone into serious credit card debt attempting to recreate that moment by purchasing clothing items designed by hip celebrities, in order to emulate what teens like. Some items purchased by Danskin include a Coach purse designed by Selena Gomez, and a boat shaped fanny pack designed by Billy Zane.
While many loved ones in Danskin’s life worry for her financial safety, psychologist Dela Andrews claims that her behaviour is typical. “Many people after the age of 30 begin to realize that they are no longer trendy. This realization can lead to speaking in ridiculous teen slang, dousing one’s face in “Fenty” brand highlighter, and experiencing intense sexual feelings towards Timothee Chalamet”
“Maddison acknowledging me makes me feel like I’ve finally made it”, continued a dreamy Danskin. “I know this probably has to do with the fact that I wasn’t popular in high school… And a teen considering me hip is giving me a false validation will never fill the hole left in me from a lack of acceptance… but who cares! I can afford Ugg boots now, and so help me god I will wear them with a mini-skirt!”
When reached for a comment, Nicks responded, “I don’t remember that, happening, I don’t know who you’re talking about and ew, stop talking to me.”
Despite the denial, Danskin maintains that it happened, but at press time is growing suspicious that the comment may have been sarcastic.