Hungry bachelor determined to select least sad rotisserie chicken
OTTAWA – As Tyler Sandford observed a wall of slowly rotating chicken carcasses, he mentally prepared himself to make the most important decision of his life. “I will no longer be a stereot…
Exhaustive study finds Hamilton Tiger-Cats neither tigers nor cats
HAMILTON, ON – Already making waves in the greater Hamilton area, scientists at McMaster University have completed a study that finds, among other things, that the Hamilton Tiger-Cats are n…
New tech investment to put Waterloo at leading edge of being destroyed by malicious AI
WATERLOO – An exciting wave of tech industry investment is set to make Kitchener-Waterloo the Canadian hub of creating an uncontrollable line of code that goes on to wreak incalculable economic a…
Free speech guardian suing university for saying mean stuff about him
WATERLOO, ON – University professor and free-speech champion Jordan Peterson is bravely stepping up to fight back against some “really mean stuff” said about him by professors at Wilfrid La…
Incredible! The last surviving veteran of the War of 1812 just died
In a sign of the true end of a prominent era of our nation’s history, the Canadian government today confirmed the passing of Lieutenant James Montclief: the last surviving Canadian veteran of the…
Dad with cellphone holster not fucking around during trip to beach
VANCOUVER – A local father of two was spotted wearing a heavy-duty nylon phone holster at Kits Beach yesterday. Several eyewitnesses reported that the holster was rugged yet surprisingly sl…
Disney executives pleased to announce acquisition of PornHub
MONTREAL – Expanding their media streaming portfolio, Disney executives announced Tuesday that the company has acquired Canadian adult entertainment site, Pornhub. The entertainment behemot…
Cabinet Minister breastfeeding during question period on marijuana legalization in your grandpa’s nightmares
OTTAWA – Speaking to reporters on the lawn of his placid retirement community, your grandpa announced this morning that he had had a vivid nightmare yesterday in which the Minister of Democ…
REPORT: 70% of factory work stoppages due to unexpected conveyor belt chases
LAVAL, QC – Looking to find the cause of recent productivity losses, a report published Monday by the National Industrialist Survey says that 70% of all factory work stoppages are due at le…
Toronto police bravely liberate park-goers from bottle of rosé
TORONTO – The Toronto Police Services are celebrating the bravery shown by officer Brian Murnane today as he successfully confiscated a bottle of wine in Trinity Bellwoods Park, restoring p…
