By: Stephen Harper, former Prime Minister of Canada
You likely heard some news stories about me recently. You might have heard that I think Bernie Sanders is actually scarier than Donald Trump. Or that I think far right wingers like Trump and Nigel Farage are less extreme than the current leadership of the Democratic Party. Or that I now think free trade and globalization are bad for the middle class.
Do I really believe these things you ask? That’s not important. What is important is that you keep listening to me, Stephen Harper. Just like you are doing right now.
After I lost the 2015 election to that idiot whose hair doesn’t even look like the Lego Man, I thought I would enjoy the anonymity of life as a private citizen. I envisioned myself walking down the street, browsing bookshops, eating dinner, all without a single person recognizing me.
But it turns out I’m a pretty big attention whore. So that’s over. Now I’m back and I need you to pay attention to me. All the time. Never stop listening to me.
I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to get you to listen to me. I’ll say that introducing universal pharamacare will help the terrorists win. I’ll claim that I’m also the son of Pierre Trudeau. I’ll even talk about liking tv shows and movies while standing in front of the Netflix logo again. Whatever it takes.
Need someone to come on your Fox News show and claim that Canadians actually hate hockey and much prefer Nascar? I’m there. Want someone to provide opening remarks on the dangers of the Keto diet at a middle school debate tournament in New Brunswick? I’ll buy my own plane ticket. I would also be delighted to talk about the TPP on a Japanese game show while competitors have to try to climb up something that is very slippery.
The point is I am here. And I have opinions on things. And you will listen to my opinions on the things. And then maybe if enough of you listen to my opinions on the things I will be able to sleep at night.
Now if you excuse me, I must get ready for my appearance on the BBC, where I will claim that Brexit will improve the taste of Fish & Chips.