TORONTO – Following an announcement by Ontario’s sickeningly fabulous Premier Doug Ford that he would only march in Pride Toronto’s annual parade if police are also allowed to march, Pride Toronto has agreed to do “whatever it takes” to convince the much sought-after gay icon to join the popular event.
“This past year we were so excited to get such internationally recognized luminaries of gay culture like BenDeLaCreme and Vivacious to be part of our festivities,” said Pride Toronto representative Ryan Britton. “So when we found out that in order to get the LGBTQ community’s favourite daddy to attend, all we needed to do was compromise our values, we said we’re ‘Ready for you!’,” hastily adding, “Oh, oops that’s the TD bank slogan.”
Pride Toronto adopted the controversial decision to ban uniformed police from marching in the parade following a protest by Black Lives Matter in 2016, “but we’re pretty sure the cops are cool now,” claimed Britton. “I mean, is racial profiling even still happening?” adding, “Really though is it? I never thought to ask before now.”
While many in Toronto’s LGBTQ community remain deeply divided over whether or not police belong in a celebration historically rooted in protest against police violence, they have rallied around a shared desire to finally see Doug Ford be part of the festivities.
“Have you heard him sing?” asked longtime Pride attendee Jason Petrovic. “He has the voice of a goddess! Plus gays love nostalgia, and what’s more retro hip than rolling back sex ed by 20 years?”
Premier Ford has been a fashion icon beloved by the gay community ever since his days on Toronto city council wearing everything from a suit that is probably from Moore’s to a suit that is probably from Tip Top Tailors.
The Ford family has long avoided Toronto’s pride parade due to the completely coincidental timing of their annual cottage vacation, so when the Premier stated the conditions on which he would be willing to attend, “we couldn’t pass up the opportunity,” said Britton. “Plus we found that we get more money from sponsors when we don’t take any sort of stand politically, so there’s that.”