NEW YORK CITY – Despite mounting pressure from other hate groups, the self described, ”pro-Western fraternal organization,” Proud Boys, will be sticking with that incredibly stupid name.
“A lot of the other organizations feel that the name is giving away just how lame most of their hate groups really are,” says Debra Dawn, a spokesperson for the Southern Poverty Law Centre. “Most of these communities are a bunch of sad white men sitting in a rented hall, trying actively to blame others for their own shortcomings. They really dress it up with mythical, dungeons and dragons aesthetic to hide that fact.“
“They sound like the pathetic version of Cub Scouts,” says the Imperial Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan whose attempts to change the name have been shot down by founder Gavin McInnes. McInnes has not kept it a secret that he actually took the name from “Proud of Your Boy,” a song cut from Disney’s 1992 animated film Aladdin. Noting that, “aside from the setting, the ethnicity of all the characters and the liberation of Jasmine, it’s a really good movie!”
“It makes all the weird stuff you hear about them totally believable,” says StormFront founder and white supremacist Don Black. “Word is that their initiation involves singing “I wasn’t born perfect like dad or you/ mom I will try to make you proud of your boy?”” in falsetto and then getting slapped until you can name 5 breakfast cereals.” Black indicates that he believes it when he was told their hierarchy starts at ‘Little Spermies’ advances to ‘Mummy’s Favourites’ and tops out at ‘Cheeky Pappies.’ “They make it very hard to like white people right now,” expresses Black.
Some of the names suggested and shot down have included: Not-Zees, The Matchbox 20 of Hate Groups and the Fedora Gestapo. Unfortunately for other hate groups, the Proud Boys are sticking with it. “I am a Proud Boy and there’s only two things I won’t do: apologize for creating western society and masturbate,” says member Keith Jarrett, referring to McInnes’ “no wanks” policy, which posits that not masturbating means that members will have time to go out and meet people.
“People tend not to really want to talk to us though, so that’s been ..it’s been hard.” Jarrett adds: “Usually we just hang out together, playing Smash Bros and peeling the label off our beers in group sexual frustration. I mean, if that doesn’t radiate “Proud Boys” I don’t know what does. No other name will do.”