KAMLOOPS, BC – A study by the Canadian Institute of Geriatrics has discovered a direct correlation between people who claim they lived a life without regrets and people who actually have a great deal of disappointment in their younger selves.
“I’m not surprised,” says Dr. Mel Friedman, the study’s co-author. “Naturally living longer makes one more susceptible to regret-accumulation, particularly for those who keep making the same mistakes over and over again — like saying ‘I have no regrets’ even when you know how stupid it sounded the last time you said it.”
The subjects involved were all senior citizens who claimed to have lived perfect lives while the rest of humanity just muddled through a waking nightmare of dead-end jobs and bad relationship choices. But their social media posts and closest relatives told a different story, usually showcased in angry Yelp reviews and quiet weeping at 3 am in the downstairs bathroom.
When confronted with the findings, the subjects seemed convinced that they were, in fact, fault-free. Nearly every subject interviewed was certain that they had been mistaken for someone else, they were totally out of town that day, or that Todd was a complete shit and got what he deserved.
Although the source of the discrepancy is still under debate, researchers hypothesize that people just say these things because they realize how close they are to death and think a pithy obituary tag would make them look wiser than they actually are.
“Regret is simply the intersection of nostalgia and contrition that occurs as we age and gain perspective on our lives,” says Friedman. “I’m suppose some people are capable of producing neurochemicals late in life that make them forget the bad decisions and be happy with where they ended up.”
“The rest are liars,” he adds. “Just bad fucking liars.”