“I’m running for president,” Joe Biden whispers into the ears of an uncomfortable nation
WASHINGTON D.C. – Joe Biden announced his third run for the Democratic presidential nomination today by slinking his arms around the waist of The United States of America, smelling its hair…
The Top 5 documentaries that will kick start you right into a major depression
In our current cultural and political climate, truth is often stranger, scarier, and more uplifting than fiction – which is why it’s no surprise that documentaries are having a renaissance in 201…
Avengers: Endgame is just 3 hours of jocks bullying you for liking comic book movies this much, nerd
HOLLYWOOD – Disney Marvel has revealed new details about the latest entry in their Avengers movie franchise, stating it will be 3 straight hours of highschool jocks bullying you for caring …
Canadian officials wish garbage sent to Philippines had been labeled “drug lords” so it could have been disposed of, no questions asked
OTTAWA – Following Filipino President Rodrigo Duterte’s statement that he would “declare war” with Canada over a series of shipping containers of garbage sent to the Philippines years…
Woman successfully beats murder rap using “Mercury in retrograde” defence
TORONTO – In a landmark ruling yesterday, 31-year-old Robin Whitewood was declared not guilty of the first-degree murder of her roommate Sharon after her lawyer successfully argued that Whitewood…
Rest of Canada relieved they no longer have to cheer for Boston
MONTREAL – With the Boston’s 5-1 victory in game seven of the first round of the NHL playoffs, millions of Canadians expressed relief that they no longer have to passively watch and vindict…
Teeny-tiny party from itty-bitty province wins adorably miniature election
CHARLOTTETOWN – The tiniest of the teeny of political parties from the petite province of PEI has won the most adorably small election, reports indicate. The itty-bitty islanders placed the…
Scientists confirm your printer works fine, it’s just flirting with you
WINDSOR, ON – Scientists at the University of Windsor recently announced that after a year-long study, they have discovered that your printer actually functions perfectly well, and only pretends …
Catholic Church assures billionaires that none of their Notre Dame donations will go to poor
VATICAN CITY — Speaking to the handful of billionaires, CEO’s, and corporations that had immediately donated billions of dollars to rebuild the burned Notre Dame Cathedral, Pope Francis ass…
Local family disappointed as Elijah flakes on Passover dinner yet again
MONTREAL – The mood at the Ginsberg household was reportedly low last night after receiving news that the Prophet Elijah had once again bailed on their Passover Seder. “I mean, we always le…
