WASHINGTON – Lobbyists for the companies that make electronic voting machines used in American elections are apologizing profusely to the industry that funds them for wasting money attempting to sway Mitch McConnell against election security measures.
“It’s clear to us now that we didn’t have to spend a dime convincing the senate majority leader to block any attempts to make American elections more secure,” registered lobbyist Jane Randal said. “We were so caught up in how much these bills would cost the voting machine industry, we never stopped to ask ourselves how much they’d cost the Republican Party. We cannot apologize enough to our employers for wasting their money.”
Democratic senators introduced several bills that would bolster election security after former special counsel Robert Mueller warned that Russian interference in the 2016 election would likely happen again in 2020. Knowing that this would be an issue, the voting machine industry increased lobbying efforts, including donating thousands to McConnell specifically – donations which they now acknowledge were wholly unnecessary.
“It’s the same old story, innocent lobbyists just trying to put food on the table by paying off a politician to keep an industry from having to enact commonsense regulations are suckered by that politician,” Randal said. “My biggest regret is thinking about all the politicians that money could have influenced who weren’t already opposed to election security on principle.”
When asked why he opposes efforts to secure American elections against Russian interference, McConnell has – aside from a brief cackle of glee upon hearing the term “Russian interference” – refused to comment.
Other lobbyists are now questioning the utility of their own donations to McConnell, with the health insurance industry wondering if his opposition to public healthcare is due to their hundreds of thousands in campaign donations or simply the result of an inborn contempt for human life.