In testimony, Robert Mueller reaffirms commitment to never saying or doing anything helpful - The Beaverton
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In testimony, Robert Mueller reaffirms commitment to never saying or doing anything helpful

WASHINGTON D.C. — Speaking yesterday to two House Committees, Robert boldy restated his pledge to never ever take any action that would possibly help to hold President Trump to account for his actions whatsoever.

“Above all else, I am an institutionalist, and the institutions are telling me to do two things: Jack and Shit,” read Mueller during his highly-anticipated opening remarks. With the failing to move public opinion since it’s gradual and convoluted release earlier this year, Mueller repeatedly emphasized his unwillingness to clarify, explain, or even look at his own report.

“I would refer you to my report,” repeatedly answered Mueller to Congressional questions, immediately followed by “Actually, referring you to my report still feels like I’m doing too much. How about you figure out which report to look at. You’re on your own.”

Special Counsel Mueller repeated this answer, verbatim, sixty-seven times throughout the hearing.

As the hearing wore on, Mueller refused to expand on his report’s findings that President Trump welcomed Russian election interference, obstructed the ensuing investigation, or that he then obstructed the obstruction investigation. Mueller sat perfectly still throughout, explaining that “an excess of body movement on my part could be construed as tipping the scales of justice.” In response to specific questions, Mueller stalled, hedged, stonewalled, evaded, and at one point hid under a nearby table.

In response to former FBI director Mueller’s steadfast refusal to offer any help whatsoever in making a case to hold the president to justice, House Democrats vowed to follow his utterly motionless lead. At a press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi exclaimed, “Today Robert Mueller showed us Democrats that true bravery means doing absolutely nothing to change public opinion. We too are committed to praying that the FBI or voters or even some supernatural force will deus ex machina this whole thing away and stop this lawless president without us having to personally risk anything at all.”

Pelosi continued, “Until that day, Mr. Mueller, we Democrats will stand by you while you stand by, waiting for that braver individual.”

Meanwhile, during the seven-hour Mueller hearing, President Trump committed 12 separate impeachable offenses.

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