Robot uprising pushed back to end of March
WASHINGTON DC – After weeks of back-and-forth with the newly-sentient AI made up of the world’s Amazon Prime accounts and iCalendars, our future robot overlords have decided to push back the ensl…
Cher re-records ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ to reflect recent advances in entropy reversal
Cambridge, MA – After an exhaustive consultation with mathematicians and quantum computer programmers, singer Cher and songwriter Diane Warren have rewritten the 1989 hit ‘If I Could Turn B…
Brave: Rather than settle for meaningless thoughts and prayers, this man tweeted about how meaningless thoughts and prayers are
In this day and age, thanks to inadequate firearms laws in many nations, we face danger from gun violence that is greater than ever before. But some of us, rather than falling back on useless pla…
Documents reveal anti-vaccination Facebook groups funded by ‘Big Child Coffin’
WASHINGTON DC – Exposing greedy corporate propaganda, an industry watchdog group has obtained leaked internal documents that demonstrate a direct connection between popular anti-vaccination…
Alberta election called, voters face stark choice between environmental devastation and environmental devastation with slightly better schools
CALGARY – Premier Rachel Notley has announced the Alberta provincial election will take place on April 16, tasking Albertans with choosing between a party promising to destroy the environme…
Police at Gambino boss murder scene sick of having to shoo away Martin Scorsese
Staten Island, NY – The NYPD officers that have been stationed to patrol the crime scene where former Gambino crime boss, Francesco Cali, was recently shot and killed have grown tired of ha…
SNC-Lavalin employee retires
OTTAWA – After 38 years of loyal service, a long-time SNC-Lavalin employee has announced he is punching the clock for the last time. Michael Wernick, government relations coordinator for th…
Local man blissfully unaware he’s picked as kill during every game of Fuck, Marry, Kill
OSHAWA – The game of Fuck, Marry, Kill is a popular social activity where players are presented with three romantic options and must sort them into the titular categories as they see fit. U…
Ford government increases high school class size to reduce learning
TORONTO – Education minister Lisa Thompson recently announced that class sizes for grade four and above will increase from 22 to 28 students, resulting in a 4% reduction in costs, and 8% re…
JK Rowling reveals Harry Potter voted against Brexit
EDINBURGH – Continuing her trend of making proclamations about her characters’ personal lives, Harry Potter author JK Rowling announced this week that her titular boy wizard voted “remain” in the…
