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Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
National
National
Local
Toronto
Montreal
Vancouver
North
Campus
University Reviews
Canada Votes 2015
Canadian and Mexican governments hope U.S. doesn’t notice tunnel being built underneath it
Kielburgers start ethics committee testimony by asking if MPs want to donate to WE Charity
Liberals appoint WE Charity to investigate WE Charity conflict of interest scandal
Canada politely declines U.S. politicians’ request to kill thousands of our residents
“Oops, I left my mask in the car,” says man who does not own a mask or a car
Libertarian friend apparently doesn’t believe in regulating speaking volume either
94% of Social Distance Hang spent talking about whether everyone is far enough apart
Search and rescue for matching Tupperware lid in kitchen drawer enters 5th hour
Toronto Catholic schools to reopen so kids will be with God sooner
John Tory seeks compromise, offers to de-fun the police
Torontonians celebrate stage 2 of reopening by continuing to do all the things they weren’t supposed to do before
TTC employees admit delays “just don’t feel the same” without angry commuters
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago
Still searching for buyer, Montreal Alouettes now listed as fully furnished
New law requires Quebec to show its racism visibly
Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou
City that hosted 2010 Winter Olympics fails to prepare for snow again
Impeachment hearings relocated to Vancouver to reduce production costs
Oh great, the Gastown Steam Clock is vaping now
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
Dempster Highway to be renamed after bread company’s sponsorship ends
Dawson City River fountain deemed a success
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Low-income student receiving free tuition to be given Ontario’s $348 billion debt next year
University-aged Buck-a-Beer connoisseurs taste the subtle hints of intoxication
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Humanity at point where it’s honestly fine with robots taking over
UK government advises residents to pick up cricket bat, wait by door for coronavirus
North Korean officials claim Kim Jong-un not dead, just messy bitch who loves drama
Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing
NRA accused of embezzling thoughts and prayers
New border rules require Americans to hold breath from BC to Alaska
Trump suggests delaying election until everyone dead
Trump introduces “choose your own adventure” pandemic protocol
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Canadians Learn About Gandhi and Serial Killer Gilles de Rais
Sports
Sports
Leafs bring comfort and normalcy during tough times by collapsing in playoffs
Football fan itching to see long-term brain damage in person again
To maintain home ice advantage NHL pipes in audio of fans yelling insults about opposing players’ mothers
Rookie MLB player achieves dream of playing in front of 45,000 empty seats
Business
Business
Tooth Fairy e-transfers kid in quarantine 25 cents
Companies furious employees choosing CERB over work briefly consider paying more
Airline will no longer refund ticket holders whose lovers run to the airport last minute, with a change of heart, asking them not to get on flight
Airlines to start flying with the windows down to prevent spread of Covid
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
Ellen comes out as mean
Canadian Army stands down after Schitt’s Creek gets 15 Emmy nominations
2020 Song of Summer is your colleagues yelling “You’re on mute!”
One Direction reach 10-year anniversary, submit bodies to recycler to make way for fresh crop of heartthrobs
Optimistic woman only burns June pages of 2020 planner
Burglar who hid under bed to avoid getting caught has been waiting two months for woman to leave apartment
Spine of woman crouched in front of laptop achieves Golden Ratio
Canada Post overwhelmed by volume of wistful love-letters sent to nation’s eyebrow estheticians
Man sure for the sixth time this summer that his hangover is COVID
COVID first thing Nova Scotia happy to be only province without
Guy who won’t wear mask in store promises to pull out before he coughs
Lame coronavirus party infects 0 people
Please don’t make me risk getting COVID to teach, especially that prick Noah
I support free speech unless someone tells me I am wrong
OPINION: Why don’t protesters do something useful like when I bang pots and pans for nurses?
Allow me to use my nationally syndicated column to tell you how my voice is being suppressed
Friend with young kids clearly fantasizing about murdering you as you describe how boring isolation has been
Weird couple names their son “John”
Baby celebrating first birthday just happy so many shapes could make it
Nation’s toddlers refusing to budge on no-nap policy
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
“Hey girl, Class of ’08”: 5 ways to tell if the girl from your high school is messaging you about a cult
The Beaverton’s top
five
four
three
two
one uncancellable hunks of Hollywood
Freethinker! This woman found a way to criticize Trump that didn’t involve celebrating a war criminal
Inclusivity win! Hallmark introduces golf-free Father’s Day cards
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?
QUIZ: Is your essay too short, or are post-secondary treatises a futile and meaningless exercise in quantifying intellectual abilities in a way that presents a moral and physical hardship to their creator?
QUIZ: Have you made an informed decision not to have children or are you a selfish witch?
Quiz: What future Canadian drug shortage caused by the US will you die in?
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
These 5 people now live in P.E.I. because they couldn’t pay the $47 Confederation Bridge toll
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Video
Videos
Full Episodes
Wretched old man brings you trash you asked for
White man brags about how diverse Toronto is to his group of white friends
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Strategic Voting succeeds in preventing any real change to system
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Watch: Season 3, Episode 8
Watch: Season 3, Episode 7
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
Podcasts
The Beaverton Weekly Report
Trans activists make absurd demand to be treated like human beings
Doug Ford demands Green Party apologize for letting Oshawa GM Plant close
St. Michael’s principal promises to restore school to acceptable levels of toxic masculinity
The Beaverton will pay whatever it takes to not see Tony Clement’s dick
The Book
Workshops
1483101
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
Emma and Miguel look at the Quebec religious symbols ban.
