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The Beaverton Weekly Report
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Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
National
National
Local
Toronto
Montreal
Vancouver
North
Campus
University Reviews
Canada Votes 2015
Government classifies ‘dat ass’ as an essential service
Employees at home working hard at pretending to work
Breaking: All the news happening all at once
Team Canada to be divided based on petty regional differences
Local psychopath still planning on celebrating April Fools’ Day
Local woman scrambling to find single presentable corner in decrepit apartment for work Skype meeting
Shower wondering if it’s ever going to see you again
Notorious hot air balloon thief’s getaway foiled by gentle breeze
TTC adequate for first time in 40 years
Eglinton LRT construction extended just long enough to be cancelled at last minute
BlogTO real excited about that new Starbucks
Commuters warned not to retrieve items dropped on subway tracks unless it’s your phone in which case fair enough
Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago
Still searching for buyer, Montreal Alouettes now listed as fully furnished
New law requires Quebec to show its racism visibly
Montreal riots after Boston loss
Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou
City that hosted 2010 Winter Olympics fails to prepare for snow again
Impeachment hearings relocated to Vancouver to reduce production costs
Oh great, the Gastown Steam Clock is vaping now
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
Dempster Highway to be renamed after bread company’s sponsorship ends
Dawson City River fountain deemed a success
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Low-income student receiving free tuition to be given Ontario’s $348 billion debt next year
University-aged Buck-a-Beer connoisseurs taste the subtle hints of intoxication
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing
China concerned Western authoritarian government will cover up coronavirus outbreaks
China happy that all this Huawei business is distracting from their genocide
Boris Johnson, fellow Brexiters celebrate Scottish Independence Day
Democratic primary candidates find common ground in being high risk for coronavirus
Biden announces he’ll make more public appearances when Animal Crossing: New Horizons stops being so sick
Kremlin still can’t remember trigger word to activate Bernie Sanders
Biden within hair-sniffing distance of Democratic nomination
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Canadians Learn About Gandhi and Serial Killer Gilles de Rais
Sports
Sports
Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing
NCAA searching for new ways to exploit student athletes after cancellation of March Madness
IOC asks all athletes to participate in Tokyo Olympics from their homes
Airlines announce jet demolition derby to make up lost revenue
Business
Business
Airlines announce jet demolition derby to make up lost revenue
Devastated stock brokers with faces in hands clearly not taking coronavirus precautions seriously
Experts scramble to figure out how global oil price crash the fault of Wet’suwet’en protestors
Fancy Tim Hortons just as bad
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
Doug Ford extends quarantine after learning how long it takes to grow out bangs
Modern day Shakespeare? This woman wrote another explicit One Direction fanfic during quarantine
Locked down Canadians gather on balconies, struggle to collectively sing really fast part of One Week by Barenaked Ladies
Nation’s parents lured back inside houses with promise of Jeopardy re-runs
New puppy feeling a lot pressure to fill massive emotional void in owners heart
Social butterflies soothed by nonstop robocall scams
Local hamster celebrates eight months in social isolation
Cruise lines now offer deluxe coronavirus upgrade over basic norovirus package
Netflix’s “Are You Still Watching” only social contact in days
Local badass only washes hands for 15 seconds
Self-quarantined workforce discovers 95% of all jobs could have just been an e-mail
Canadian government scolds citizens for not fully embracing its half-measures
Suspending me again from the Senate is no way to treat an Indigenous person by Senator Lynn Beyak
Political correctness is waging the War on Boxing Day
It’s too soon for stores to be hanging Christmas dildos
I saw 20 minutes of Iron Man 2 and I’ve thrown up every day since – By Martin Scorsese
Weird couple names their son “John”
Baby celebrating first birthday just happy so many shapes could make it
Nation’s toddlers refusing to budge on no-nap policy
Children impressed, sad at how much Dad knows about Transformers
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Spring tip: salt your garden to prevent from freezing!
Finally, Compromise: Flat Earther suggests maybe planet could be hexagonal
Neat! Murdoch Mysteries has been on so long it now takes place in the future
How to slip in the fact that you’ve watched Rian Johnson’s modern whodunit Knives Out to people at work
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?
QUIZ: Is your essay too short, or are post-secondary treatises a futile and meaningless exercise in quantifying intellectual abilities in a way that presents a moral and physical hardship to their creator?
QUIZ: Have you made an informed decision not to have children or are you a selfish witch?
Quiz: What future Canadian drug shortage caused by the US will you die in?
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
These 5 people now live in P.E.I. because they couldn’t pay the $47 Confederation Bridge toll
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Video
Videos
Full Episodes
Wretched old man brings you trash you asked for
White man brags about how diverse Toronto is to his group of white friends
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Strategic Voting succeeds in preventing any real change to system
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Watch: Season 3, Episode 8
Watch: Season 3, Episode 7
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
Podcasts
The Beaverton Weekly Report
Trans activists make absurd demand to be treated like human beings
Doug Ford demands Green Party apologize for letting Oshawa GM Plant close
St. Michael’s principal promises to restore school to acceptable levels of toxic masculinity
The Beaverton will pay whatever it takes to not see Tony Clement’s dick
The Book
Workshops
1483101
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
Emma and Miguel look at the Quebec religious symbols ban.
