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The Beaverton Weekly Report
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Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
National
National
Local
Toronto
Montreal
Vancouver
North
Campus
University Reviews
Canada Votes 2015
White Nova Scotia fishermen sure they’re only one more violent assault away from nation realizing they’re the good guys
Sask Premier Scott Moe leaves scene after colliding with debate
Rent luckily winding down the same time as CERB
Trudeau mobilizes troops to border in response to Rick Moranis attack
Entire population taking the same goddamned hike at the same goddamn time
Local man schedules his authoritarianism anxiety around his pandemic anxiety
Kindergartener hoarding crayons to make great landlord one day
Woman’s entire personality is IBS
Toronto police demand G20 victims accept apology and disperse
Anti-mask protest unites Toronto’s ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ communities
Toronto Sun using $600 million media bailout to write lazy articles: Sources
TTC tells riders who want physical distancing to only ride the Sheppard line
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago
Still searching for buyer, Montreal Alouettes now listed as fully furnished
Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it
Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou
City that hosted 2010 Winter Olympics fails to prepare for snow again
Impeachment hearings relocated to Vancouver to reduce production costs
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
Dempster Highway to be renamed after bread company’s sponsorship ends
Dawson City River fountain deemed a success
Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Low-income student receiving free tuition to be given Ontario’s $348 billion debt next year
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Pope Francis supports gay civil unions in an attempt to bring Catholicism into the ‘90s
Entire world stocking up on celebration champagne “for no reason, just in case”
Global security threat infects global security threat
BREAKING: Archaeologists uncover the ballot that killed Adolf Hitler
Coney Barrett ends confirmation ceremony by accidentally deciding election for Trump 1 week early
Hunter Biden seen creeping around bushes of Fox News viewers
Headless Mitch McConnell says there’s nothing wrong with his health
In honor of election Baskin-Robbins now offering only 2 flavors of shitty ice cream
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Sports
Sports
“Athletes have the easiest job ever,” says man who would cry if his employer traded him to Winnipeg
Breaking: Stanley Cup won 6 days ago
Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it
Tough NHL players able to play through injuries, civil rights movements
Business
Business
Study: 90% of Canadians unable to say name Fabricland without immediately repeating it faster and louder
Pizza Pizza to start delivering gross slice you only buy because it’s 2am and you’re drunk
MEC reassures customers they’ll still charge $800 per sleeping bag
Restaurants require female servers to wear skimpier face masks
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
Demand for Bubble Boy halloween costume reaches all-time high
Local woman’s fondest memory of 2020 is really gonna be that new Borat movie huh?
Super Mario 3D All-Stars Review: Your family doesn’t love you, only Mario loves you
Shredder refuses to denounce Foot Clan
“I’m chill about menstruation,” boasts man who has obviously never heard of chunky days
Woman’s retirement plan crumbles after she accounts for living, laughing, but not loving
Optimistic woman only burns June pages of 2020 planner
Burglar who hid under bed to avoid getting caught has been waiting two months for woman to leave apartment
Dad reporting daily COVID numbers to family with intensity of Wall Street day trader
Toronto bar enforces occupancy limit by starting open mic night
Anti-mask protest unites Toronto’s ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ communities
Health Canada announces doctors no longer allowed to prescribe ‘Good Lovin’
Straw man is idiot
EDITORIAL: Sick teachers are a small price to pay to get me the hell away from the horrible kids I made by choice
Where are all these Covid parties and why am I not invited?
EDITORIAL: The WE scandal proves that charities fucking suck at doing crimes
Parents think world-ending catastrophe actually huge opportunity for you
Local father relies on tattoo to remind himself of children’s names
Friend with young kids clearly fantasizing about murdering you as you describe how boring isolation has been
Weird couple names their son “John”
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
5 tips for better sleep that you can read on your bright phone at 2AM
Representation win! This Hallmark movie will feature the whitest, straightest-looking gay couple
Inspiring! These men aren’t voting for Trump and that’s really how low the bar is at this point
FEMINISM WIN: This girl boss is reuniting the long-separated Church and State
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?
QUIZ: Is your essay too short, or are post-secondary treatises a futile and meaningless exercise in quantifying intellectual abilities in a way that presents a moral and physical hardship to their creator?
QUIZ: Have you made an informed decision not to have children or are you a selfish witch?
Quiz: What future Canadian drug shortage caused by the US will you die in?
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
These 5 people now live in P.E.I. because they couldn’t pay the $47 Confederation Bridge toll
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Video
Videos
Full Episodes
Wretched old man brings you trash you asked for
White man brags about how diverse Toronto is to his group of white friends
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Strategic Voting succeeds in preventing any real change to system
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Watch: Season 3, Episode 8
Watch: Season 3, Episode 7
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
Podcasts
The Beaverton Weekly Report
Trans activists make absurd demand to be treated like human beings
Doug Ford demands Green Party apologize for letting Oshawa GM Plant close
St. Michael’s principal promises to restore school to acceptable levels of toxic masculinity
The Beaverton will pay whatever it takes to not see Tony Clement’s dick
The Book
Workshops
1483101
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
Emma and Miguel look at the Quebec religious symbols ban.
