LONDON, ON – Recently, several of the nation’s most prolific serial killers have come forward to protest the way they are over-sexualized in the media.
“It seems people would rather drool over us, than respect the actual work we do,” stated incarcerated serial killer David Berkowitz, AKA “Son of Sam”. “We just want to be viewed as monsters that people should forget. But shows like Mindhunter, You, Dirty John, and Dexter continue to portray us as misguided and worthy of empathy, which inevitably leads to people desiring us as sex objects.”
“Even I think that’s messed up,” added Berkowitz.
Critics note this trend is especially startling due to the fact that, as far conventional attractiveness, real life serial killers are far below the so-called “hottie levels” of actors who portray them on television. Zac Efron, who CNN reported to be a registered “stud muffin,” was reportedly incredibly offended after being shown pictures of the actual Ted Bundy. “They had me playing this ugog?” stated Efron in adorable disbelief.
“We are tired of being portrayed as boiling sexpots by beefcakes like Penn Badgley, Cameron Britton, and Anthony Hopkins,” stated jailed serial killer Edmund Kemper. “We want real killers with real bodies on screen. Large, nerdy, and also horrible monsters devoid of desirability. I also want to eat your fingers right now, if that’s cool?”
“All I wanted to do was run for political office,” said Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz. “But what I found happening was people stopped hearing what I was saying, and were just staring at my middle-aged, saggy body. In fact, my entire run for president was lost because I simply became something to be sexually desired, rather than someone who deserved respect,” said the human form of pudding.
In a similar move, foods from around the world have come forward saying that if they are going to star in “food porn”, they should be earning porn actor wages.