OTTAWA – A nearly successful dry January ended in disaster, and extreme gastrointestinal discomfort, this past weekend when opposition leader Andrew Scheer decimated a gallon of 2% milk in a minute flat.
“It seemed like he just really wanted to let loose and party” said one witness at the bar where the event occurred. “He said barkeep, ‘your freshest gallon please’ and then he just polished it off right then and there. It also looked old? People rarely order milk at bars so I imagine it had been there for a few weeks past expiry.”
Post-resignation life hasn’t been easy on the current, but soon to be replaced, leader of the Conservative party. The dry January was supposed to help him get back on track and off the hard stuff (18% whipping cream) but going cold-turkey was harder than he expected.
“It’s hard to resist when everywhere I go, people are drinking milk. Weddings, dinner parties, nights out with friends, everyone is just chugging that sweet cow nectar,” stated a visibly distressed Scheer at a press conference, a milk bottle in each hand.
Scheer has been under fire for allegedly taking funds from the Conservative party for his “milk money.” Reportedly, Scheer has been stumbling into the House of Commons completely strung out on lactose. Often with his shirt off, boasting an impressive milk moustache, screaming incoherently about life insurance policies.
This isn’t the first year Scheer has failed to complete a dry January. Last year he was caught going to town on an entire tub of sour cream in the middle of the House of Commons on January 31st.