WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the legal submissions of both the Democrats and Republicans as to whether President Trump should be removed from office, the impeachment trial is now set to move on to the all-important swimsuit competition.
“In the grand tradition of our great Republic, we honour our Constitution by now bearing our bodies covered in only a small swath of clothing suitable for immersion in water,” read Chief Justice John Roberts from the Senate Rules of Procedure and Bathing Attire, before stripping to reveal a conservative but form fitting one-piece wrist-to-ankle maillot bathing garment.
As the prosecution, The Democrats will have the first chance to strut down the Senate floor garbed in swimsuits which they hope will suitably impress the assembled senators to side with their arguments and remove Trump from office. Insiders suggest that Dems will likely put everything they have on the table, favouring transparent or skimpy pieces which leave little to the imagination but emphasize that they have nothing to hide. Leaked wardrobe budgets have indicated that Representative Jerry Nadler will be brandishing a bright green banana-hammock and little else. Adam Schiff has already announced that he will don a checkered sling bikini.
Conversely, Republicans are likely to exhibit more restrained pieces, voting down Democrats’ motion to “show America the goods”. Counsel Alan Dershowitz was recently observed at a local TJ Maxx trying on booty shorts and a white bandeau, which he maintains meets the constitutional definition of swimsuit. Trump’s personal lawyer, Jay Sekulow, was originally rumoured to be opting for a Lycra thong and high-neck top before Trump himself ordered that his team do nothing too revealing. Instead, Sekulow will now tear his suit away to display a simple wetsuit which he describes as helping him be “tough to pin down”.
“It’s a great thing. Swimsuits. They’re great. I like ‘em. You know I was the first one, if you count the shows, the first one to do the swimsuit on TV. It was me if you didn’t already know. But it was women when I did it. Very beautiful women that all wanted to be beautiful on TV,” Trump said to no one in particular.
The swimsuit competition has long been a vital part of maintaining the checks and balances of the US governmental system, ever since Andrew Johnson’s defence team secured his acquittal by wearing a scandalous 8 layer bathing suit, instead of the traditional 14. With all parties and their arguments laid bare, along with all their attendant flaws, droops, sags, and bulges, senators can decide the fate of the President on the merits and not be distracted by partisan showmanship.
“I wasn’t invited so I haven’t picked anything out,” said Rudy Giuliani, when asked, “but I’ll likely spend the night the same way I do every night: completely naked and spread eagle on my vinyl sofa.”