WASHINGTON, D.C. – After claiming that UV light and injecting disinfectant might cure the novel coronavirus, President Donald Trump took time from another press conference to speculate that the ...
Calgary Stampede cancelled, chuckwagon horses to be euthanized anyway
CALGARY – After announcing that the Calgary Stampede would be cancelled for the first time in its 108-year history due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Stampede organizers were at pains to stress that ...
EDITORIAL: Here’s how I boil my mail to protect myself from COVID-19
by an Anonymous Billionaire In these trying times, it’s important to take some extra precautions to protect yourself from COVID-19 – even if those precautions seem a bit “kooky” or “not based on...
Trudeau: Withholding bailout funds to stop Canadian companies from using tax havens would undermine our longstanding efforts to not stop Canadian companies from using tax havens
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wants the Canadian business community to know that this pandemic and the governmental response to it will in no way alter the Liberal government’s policy o...
Sign language interpreters now surpass rock stars in jobs that fuck
VANCOUVER – COVID-19 isn’t the only fever spreading these days. According to a recent poll, sign language interpreters now outrank rock stars when it comes to jobs that fuck. Due to the current ...
Local woman discovers date’s numerous red flags over Zoom
CALGARY – A recent first date held over Zoom allowed Olivia Pepta, 28, to see the warning signs and troubling behaviours of her potential suitor without risking infection. With the whole nation ...
Report: 60% of illuminati can’t figure out how to join video call
WORLDWIDE – Attendance of regularly scheduled Illuminati council meetings have dropped to 40%, largely due to technical issues with the video meeting hosting programs being used. “I mean, It kee...
“We’re good,” ISS astronauts decline returning to Earth
HOUSTON – For the first time ever, astronauts aboard the International Space Station have declined to return to Earth, saying: “Nah, we’re good. Maybe later.” The message was relayed shortly aft...
Protester holding “Live Free or Die” sign excited to do both
Olympia, WA — As a participant in the protests against COVID related stay-at-home orders, conservative Tyler Loftis held a “Live Free or Die” sign to show his excitement to do both. “Governor Jay Insl...
God tests positive for COVID-19 after church services continue
HEAVEN – After religious groups have continued to go to church despite warnings about large public gatherings, The Almighty One has contracted COVID-19. “At first I thought I just had a sore thr...
