EDITORIAL: Here’s how I boil my mail to protect myself from COVID-19 - The Beaverton
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EDITORIAL: Here’s how I boil my mail to protect myself from COVID-19

by an Anonymous Billionaire

In these trying times, it’s important to take some extra precautions to protect yourself from – even if those precautions seem a bit “kooky” or “not based on real science.” I get a lot of mail – cheques, party invitations, recently rediscovered sunken Nazi gold – and while it’s difficult to transmit the virus through paper, it’s better to be safe than sorry! Here’s my favourite method to boil mail.

Bring a big pot of fresh bottled glacier water to a boil. We get ours airlifted in from a private glacier refinery in Iceland because our contact, Helgi, also hoards the nation’s largest stockpile of N95 masks, so we know he’s being safe about it. If you don’t have a Helgi of your own, some non-GMO will do in a pinch.

While the water boils, add a sachet of small-batch dehydrated hand sanitizer, a sprig of locally sourced lavender, and a 100%-effective black label Lysol wipe. Regular Lysol only kills 99.9% of germs, but judging by my social circles, belonging to the top 1/10th of 1 percent is far more common than you think. I’d rather be safe than risk setting foot in a public hospital! All of these ingredients are available in abundance on Secret Billionaire Amazon, but if your invite code is still buried somewhere in your pile of unboiled mail, store bought is okay.

You’ll need to leave it to simmer for at least four hours to kill all of the COVID-causing thetans in the water, so take some time to don your walking cloak and stroll your bunker’s hydroxychloroquine shelves. If your private contact at Sanofi failed to deliver your requested tonnage, I had my gardeners build a 10-acre underground forest out of toilet paper before I fired them for looking like they have a fever. It’s a lovely walk as well.

After four hours, use some old ice tongs to drop your mail, letter by letter, into the water. Sometimes this process can melt the wax seal, but in these trying times, it’s for the best. If you’re expecting larger packages – we’re waiting on some essentials, including new italian leather horse tack and a darling set of Eyes Wide Shut sex masks – simply heat your indoor pool to boiling and repeat the steps above.

And that’s it! It’s never been easier to keep yourself, your petulant son, and your frigid husband safe from contracting COVID-19 through the mail. See you at the 2021 Met Gala!