WASHINGTON, D.C. – After claiming that UV light and injecting disinfectant might cure the novel coronavirus, President Donald Trump took time from another press conference to speculate that the Tide Pod Challenge, where teens consume laundry detergent and then post the video online, was probably also a cure that the Centre for Disease Control should investigate.
“Think about it, who are most likely to die? Old people. And what’s the opposite of old people? Teens. And what do teens like to do? The Tide Pod Challenge. So ipso facto Tide Pod Challenge stops coronavirus,” said Trump in response to a question about the stimulus bill for small business.
“Frankly those pods look delicious, with all the bright colours. If I did my own laundry I’m sure I’d eat one,” added Trump.
This is just one of many possible coronavirus cures that Trump has recently advocated, including spinning until you get really dizzy, unfiltered cigarettes, and sucking on a penny for an hour. At one point Trump also stared right down the barrel of a news camera and screamed that America’s economy was weak because pregnant women weren’t eating raw tuna, then demanded that they all consume “at least three pounds a day”.
“Much like untested use of malaria medication, eating laundry detergents will not keep you safe from this virus,” said a visibly exhausted Dr. Anothony Fauci. “But what do I know? I’m only a medical doctor with decades of experience as the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases.”
At press time, Jared Kushner has been rushed to hospital after being placed in charge of the Tide Pod Cure taskforce and self administering a human trial.