New charity helps royal immigrants integrate into Canada’s high society
TORONTO – In response to the Prince and Princess of Sussex relocation of Canada, a new charity has been established to help the pair as well as other royals better integrate into Canada’s u…
Introspective carpenter finds her shelf
KELOWNA, BC – Local carpenter Marybeth Dinh, 35, who left her accounting job in Vancouver to escape from the rat race into the picturesque BC interior, announced to friends and family via e…
Unskilled foreigners seek move to Canada
OTTAWA – A British and American couple, both unemployed, are seeking to emigrate to Canada despite having no real skills to offer the country, early reports indicate. British and American m…
Ontario’s education minister chastises first graders for not knowing their ABCs: “Always Be Closing”
GLENGARRY COUNTY, ON – Ontario’s Education Minister Stephen Lecce gave a stern lecture to an underperforming class of grade 1s about the business of Ontario’s education system. “I hear what…
Internet argument less fun at dinner table
NAPIERVILLE, QC – Following a heated discussion during a family dinner about the same topics those present typically argued about online, all members of the Chernak family agreed that it la…
Dry January to be wettest on record
Vancouver, BC — Following a wave of high-pressure this week, meteorologists predict Dry January will be the wettest on record. Up until Tuesday, leading meteorologists predicted that January woul…
False alarm: Employee responsible for pressing wrong button for alert resumes pressing wrong buttons at nuclear plant
PICKERING, ON – Officials at Ontario Power Generation explained that the employee responsible for this morning’s false alarm about an incident at the Pickering nuclear power generating stat…
Vancouver Police Department preemptively apologizes for all of the racist incidents it will be involved in this year
VANCOUVER – In the interests of efficiency, the Vancouver Police Department has decided to start the new year by apologizing for all of the hundreds of racist interactions they will have wi…
9-year-old college prodigy wins third consecutive game of beer pong
LONDON, ON – Gabriel Thompson, the 9 year-old child genius who made waves by being admitted into Major Biology and Mathematics program at Western, is reportedly kicking ass at a game of bee…
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