TORONTO – As COVID-19 continues to spread around the world, many hospitals are experiencing severe shortages of personal protective equipment needed to shield health care workers from the virus. Luckily, doctors and nurses have unanimously agreed that being called “heroes” by politicians and world leaders has turned out to be extremely effective at protecting them from the devastating effects of the novel coronavirus.
Tamara Brown, a nurse at Mount Sinai Hospital, expressed her gratitude for the life-saving moniker.
“When the provincial government couldn’t supply us with a sufficient number of masks and we had to start making our PPE out of discarded garbage bags found behind the hospital, we were terrified for the safety of ourselves and our patients,” she explained, knitting a pair of protective gloves out of dental floss she had found on the hospital floor. “But then I saw Trudeau on the news calling us heroes, and realized that everyone was going to survive.”
With hospitals struggling to ration masks, Darren Robbins, a doctor at Toronto General Hospital, explained that he and his colleagues have simply replaced masks with politicians’ thoughts and prayers.
“Who needs life-saving ventilators and gowns when you have words of empty praise from people who have never set foot in a hospital?” Robbins enthused, shortly after testing positive for coronavirus due to his continual habit of putting others’ lives before his own. “Being set up for martyrdom totally cancels out the fact that we recently had to start a GoFundMe campaign to ask for homemade masks from civilians already struggling with financial ruin.”
“Thousands of people may die unnecessarily, but knowing that my MP regards me as among the ranks of Batman really makes it all worth it.”
At press time, health care workers were acknowledging that at least they didn’t live in a country where their president was recommending that they cure the virus with whatever was under their kitchen sinks.