OSHAWA, ON – With gyms around the province reopening, local senior citizen Waylan Marshall is relieved to no longer have to resort to walking around the house naked. “Walking around in my birthd...
Trudeau hopes giving Parliament five week vacation will make them like him again
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that Parliament has been doing such a great job lately, he’s rewarding them with almost five weeks of vacation and is confident this little...
Man who knows every word to Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’ can’t remember best friend’s pronouns
TORONTO – Well-meaning Kensington Market local Bradford Smith, 26, was found to be inexplicably able to recite famed rap song ‘Lose Yourself’ word-for-word, despite not being able to remember th...
Gender-balanced cabinet forces woman to work two jobs
OTTAWA – A gender-balanced cabinet is now requiring a woman to work two jobs after a male employee left his post for higher pursuits. Chrystia Freeland, the Deputy Prime Minister, has been infor...
Morneau claims he forgot to resign two years ago
OTTAWA – Finance Minister Bill Morneau has resigned after remembering that he was asked to do so some two years ago. Morneau made a brief statement to the press after 26 months spent in a mental...
Vancouver patios install scarecrows to ward off young people
VANCOUVER – Due to the recent spike in Covid-19 cases among people under 40, Vancouver restaurants have resorted to installing scarecrows on their patios in hopes that it will deter the hoards o...
CFL cancels season after potential exposure to Winnipeg
WINNIPEG – CFL Commissioner Randy Ambrosie announced that there will be no 2020 Canadian Football Season stating that the risk is too high for players being exposed to Winnipeg. “The safety of o...
Highlights of Andrew Scheer’s tenure as Conservative Party Leader
As Andrew Scheer enters his final week as leader of The Conservative Party of Canada we thought it was only appropriate to look back on his three years as opposition leader. Here are our picks for the...
Woman’s retirement plan crumbles after she accounts for living, laughing, but not loving
TORONTO – In a horrifying discovery yesterday, Kimberly Atkinson’s meticulously-researched retirement plans were torn apart after the 33 year-old interior designer realized that she had painstakingly ...
1994 film ‘The Mask’ cited as an example of the perils of masks
KITCHENER – The anti-mask group ‘Hugs Over Masks’ is using the 1994 Jim Carrey vehicle The Mask as an example of what can go wrong when people start wearing masks. “This documentary ...
