OUTER SOLAR SYSTEM – The seventh planet from the sun is done being treated as a joke and is demanding humanity start taking it and its dramatic aspirations seriously. “Neptune doesn’t have to pu...
Lonely man sad to have no matches on contact tracing app
WINDSOR, ON – In the throes of late-stage quarantining Robert Greene, 55, advanced his long-lasting search for love and romance by downloading the widely spreading COVID-19 contact tracing app, ...
Local woman unsure what to do with hands during conversation casually cups own breast
ST. JOHNS — Anita Debra, local barista, didn’t know what to do with her hands during a recent lull in a conversation, ultimately opting to cup her own breast. “I just didn’t know what to do with...
Canada searches for new country to compare ourselves to now that U.S. is too sad
OTTAWA – The Canadian Government announced today that they are searching for a new benchmark country Canadians can compare to now that the situation in the U.S. has reached ‘this is fine&#...
200 Ontario cops hired to force teachers back into schools
TORONTO – Ontario’s PC government is hiring an additional 200 OPP officers to force any unruly teachers back into classrooms. “My friends, teacher unions are the greatest threat to the health of...
“How could the ref not see that?” yells hockey fan willfully blind to sport’s co-opting by far right
VANCOUVER – Local man Dominic Derkins was furious at the refs for missing an obvious call in last night’s game, wondering if they are hard of sight while he and all other hockey fans are c...
US prison overcrowding reaches critical mass due to Trump’s staff
WASHINGTON – Experts and prison staff are raising the alarm about overcrowding in US prisons due to Donald Trump’s staff. “We’re at a breaking point,” said Yani Overbrooke, a prison warden in Ne...
EDITORIAL: The WE scandal proves that charities fucking suck at doing crimes
By Kent Gutterman As a Canadian, the WE scandal is hugely embarrassing to me. But as a lifelong petty criminal who worships the craft of constructing the perfect grift, it’s fucking humiliating to beh...
Report: Clamato still disgusting, delicious
CALGARY – After conducting an exhaustive longitudinal study of scientific research done over the last 60 years, scientists at the University of Calgary have officially confirmed that Clamato, th...
Oakland cop claims Ujiri’s chest caused permanent injuries to his fists
Oakland, CA – In the wake of a video clearly showing that he assaulted Raptors president Masai Ujiri, Oakland deputy Alan Strickland has amended his lawsuit to claim that Ujiri’s chest and stoma...
