Teck pulls application for oil sands mine after finding out about the existence of oil prices
FORT McMURRAY, AB – Teck Resources Ltd have pulled their application to the Canadian government for a massive $20 billion oil sands mine in northern Alberta after a shocking study by the co…
Weinstein threatens to sexually assault courthouse unless ending scene of his trial is re-written
NEW YORK – After being found guilty of rape and sexual assault in a landmark verdict today, disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein immediately begin attempting to sexually coerce the courthouse…
Teen files lawsuit against Juul after seeing everyone looking cool as hell doing it
REGINA, SK – A local teen has filed a lawsuit against the popular vaping company Juul after seeing how cool his peers looked filing their own. “I was late to vaping in the first place,” sai…
OPP: We have exhausted all forms of polite colonialism
TYENDINAGA – Officials with the Ontario Provincial Police have moved in on Indigenous protesters after exhausting all their strategies of polite colonialism. “We graciously asked them to le…
Horrified Conservative Party realizes they never told Scheer he was fired
OTTAWA — After a video of Andrew Scheer railing against CBC’s stance on the preschool cartoon Paw Patrol went viral, panic gripped the Conservative Party’s top members upon realizing they’d…
Local woman sets world record by muting group chat in .076 seconds
Local woman Kathryn Tepittin has set a world record by muting a group chat on her phone only 0.076 seconds after the initial message was sent. “The moment I saw ‘Hey guys, sorry for the group mes…
Leafs lose after failing to call up emergency backup team
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have lost a critical game against the Carolina Hurricanes after coach Sheldon Keefe allowed his full roster of players to remain on the ice despite feignin…
Cruise lines now offer deluxe coronavirus upgrade over basic norovirus package
SANTA CLARITA, CA – Cruise companies across the world have begun offering passengers a choice between the default norovirus infection typically received aboard ship and an upgrade to a higher-end…
Office Star Wars Guy upset about his space bullshit again
CALGARY – A new report from HR suggests that Brian from accounting, whose only prevailing personality trait is a lifelong obsession with Star Wars, is once again pissed about his space bull…
Commuters warned not to retrieve items dropped on subway tracks unless it’s your phone in which case fair enough
TORONTO — Subway passengers are being warned never to attempt to reach for personal articles that have fallen onto the subway tracks, unless it’s their cell phone because how are you just g…
