Local jerkwad only on day 3 of quarantine

GUELPH, ON – Early this morning local fool Hansen Lund posted an obnoxiously long Instagram story detailing his third day of quarantine, much to the horror and displeasure of his followers.…

Corporations disappointed they won’t be able to commodify queer culture this year

TORONTO – In an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19, Toronto Pride has been cancelled and corporations are scrambling to figure out how they can best commodify queer culture this year. “P…

Alberta suspends environmental reporting rules to prevent spread of information

EDMONTON – The government of Alberta has used its emergency powers to suspend regulations that require the oil and gas industry to report the effects of their activities on the environment …

Pet cats wondering when the fuck you’re going back to work

OTTAWA, ON – Pet cats across the country are reporting curiosity as to when the shit you are going back to your job every day. “I’ve been more than accommodating,” said Tigger, an asian sem…

Local woman joins dating apps in hopes of having pandemic love story

GRIMSBY, ONT – In the midst of the worst global pandemic in recent history, 27-year-old Laura Wallsh has joined multiple dating apps in hopes of swiping right on the greatest love story of …

Local teen grounds parents for sneaking out of the house

Sherbrooke, QC – Local teenager, Jeremy Powers, has grounded his parents for continuously leaving the house and not heeding Public Health’s warning to self isolate. “I’m at the end of my wi…

Doug Ford extends quarantine after learning how long it takes to grow out bangs

TORONTO – Having announced a two-week-long state of emergency roughly two weeks ago, Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province-wide order would be extended after he learned how …

Local psychopath still planning on celebrating April Fools’ Day

Kelowna, BC – Local man and absolute lunatic George Black says that, despite literally everything happening right now, he still intends to go all out for April Fool’s Day. “I know people ar…

Modern day Shakespeare? This woman wrote another explicit One Direction fanfic during quarantine

MISSISSAUGA, ON – As of yesterday, remote brand strategist Lana Frasier completed yet another One Direction fanfiction during self-isolation. “Yeah, I heard that Shakespeare wrote King Lear…

Locked down Canadians gather on balconies, struggle to collectively sing really fast part of One Week by Barenaked Ladies

TORONTO – After witnessing the popularity achieved by a group of locked down Italians singing in unison on their balconies a couple of weeks ago, a gang of Canadians assembled to try to sin…