VANCOUVER – At-home gyms across the country are reporting a steep drop in membership after an initial spike during the early stages of the COVID-19 pandemic.
“When the pandemic began ramping up we saw a huge jump in interest,” said Kristin Denters, proprietor of Denters Gym located in the apartment she shares with her husband. “Lockdown started and we quickly went from zero to 2 full-time members. I realized I needed to expand my equipment to keep up with demand.”
“I wouldn’t call myself an exercise enthusiast,” said Gary Denters, a one-time member of Denters Gym. “But when the world shut down I knew I’d need to keep moving or I’d go absolutely stir-crazy, so I took full advantage of the pandemic promotion offered by the owner, my wife.”
“Those were heady days,” said Ashkan Hamidi, who ran Ash’s Basement Gym out of his basement. “My partner and I bought every ankle weight and ab-roller we could get our hands on. We signed up every child in the house, we even had to devise a schedule to accommodate everyone. We thought the party would never end.”
But as restrictions ease across the country it appears the halcyon days of the home gym may be in danger. “Gary hasn’t picked up a weight in 3 weeks,” said Ms Denters. “Turns out we both prefer going to the beach, or watching Netflix, or doing anything, really, instead of working out. We were worried about our health during lockdown, and they say fear is the great motivator, but I guess that only really works until the next Animal Crossing update hits.”
At press time home gyms had begun rolling out a slew of new promotions to lure back members including “Let’s Just Do 10-Minutes Before Breakfast,” “We Already Paid For A Year Of This Stupid App So Might As Well Use It,” and the most enticing offer to date, “I Sold Your Playstation So Grab A Goddamn Kettlebell.”