Festivals on indefinite hold until deemed safe enough to have a 6'8’’ man block your view - The Beaverton

Festivals on indefinite hold until deemed safe enough to have a 6’8’’ man block your view

GENEVA – Plans to allow music festivals to continue with their rescheduled dates have been put on indefinite hold by the until deemed safe enough to have a 6’8” man block your view.

“We understand it’s a frustrating situation,” a spokesperson for the WHO announced at a press conference this past week. “However due to the ongoing -19 pandemic, we won’t allow these events to go on until there’s no active danger in having a near 7 foot tall man block your view of the act you specifically paid a ludicrous amount of to see.”

“It’s really frustrating, I was looking forward to this year,” said festival enthusiast Elias Montenegro. “I guess I’ll have to wait at least a year until I get the perfect spot to see Rage Against The Machine and then have some tall bastard take up my entire field of vision.”

Reports predict that the earliest you can tap some dude on the shoulder to move slightly and have him somehow get even more in the way is mid-2021.

“This fuckin’ sucks,” said regular attendee and 6’8” tall man Darren Elliot. “How else are people going to pay attention to my exceedingly tall stature and poor placement? It’s not like I can block the view of the people in the Starbucks line, like what, do they need to see the barista?”

The pandemic has hit the especially hard, and with little to no signs of relief, concerts will remain on hold until transmission numbers are low enough to allow sweaty assholes to put their hands on strangers and drunkards to spill their beers all over you.