Men scramble to find a personality after CDC suggests shaving beard to stop coronavirus
ATLANTA, GA – A 2017 infographic issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention re-emerged this week with facial hair grooming tips in light of the coronavirus outbreak, leaving m…
China concerned Western authoritarian government will cover up coronavirus outbreaks
BEIJING – The Chinese government has expressed concerns that a North American government which lacks transparency and checks on its executive power will cover up the severity of the COVID-1…
Mike Pence introduces program to cure coronavirus carriers with conversion therapy
WASHINGTON D.C. – In his first hours leading the U.S. response to the COVID-19 pandemic, Mike Pence announced a bold program of conversion therapy to convince infected Americans they don’t …
US arms doctors to shoot COVID-19 on sight
WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has ordered all physicians to immediately shoot COVID-19 wherever the novel coronavirus appears. “We’re going to do a great job killing coronavirus wh…
Local woman unsure why she’s crying
VICTORIA, B.C. – 34-year-old Olivia Vasquez was left puzzled when she started crying in line at the grocery store, seemingly without cause, earlier today. “I was in line to buy a thing of m…
Woman who has watched every Democratic debate cannot name MPP
TORONTO – After watching all 7 US Democratic debates, participating in numerous Twitter arguments regarding the primaries and listening to dozens of podcasts about the various factors that …
Local father sad there’s only two months left to lecture about the importance of snow tires
Belleville, ON – After realizing that it was already late February, local road safety enthusiast and self described father, Hank Jebbs was heartbroken that there is only another two months …
Leafs scramble to find more heartwarming ways to lose
TORONTO – In the wake of emergency backup goalie David Ayres’ remarkable victory over them, and the subsequent outpouring of affection for him, the Toronto Maple Leafs are trying to c…
Alberta Court of Appeal orders climate change to respect provincial boundaries
EDMONTON – Before striking down the federal carbon tax as unconstitutional, the Alberta Court of Appeal has ordered climate change to only occur within provincial borders according to how e…
