QUEEN’S PARK — As the Ford Government’s pandemic plan faces criticism for ignoring schools to prioritizing re-opening bars, the premier assured Ontarians that he will solve the dilemma by lowering the drinking age to 8 years old.
“Look, the kids are gonna need to go somewhere all day,” explained Premier Ford during a televised press conference. “We were all racking our brains about where to put them instead of school, when we remembered that soon we’re gonna have all these bars open.”
“At that point, the problem turned into an exciting business opportunity,” beamed the triumphant Ford.
Ford outlined his plan to lower the drinking age, currently set at 19 years old, by 11 years as Ontario enters Stage 3 of its COVID response. Ontario’s preteen children will immediately be able to patronize bars, as well as purchasing alcohol from Beer Stores, LCBOs, “and the Wine Rack if they’re, y’know, gifted or whatever.”
Minister of Education Stephen Lecce went on to detail the drinking age lowering plan. “We expect most children to go out to the bars early in the day, mainly due to their not having any school to attend,” Leccee explained.
Ford stepped in to add, “Also they’re littler, so the booze’ll put ‘em out of commission much earlier in the evening.”
Premier Ford touted this as a perfect solution for parents feeling under pressure to school their children from home while also working. “Put little Johnny on the couch with an old Leafs game and a 6-pack of Molson, and enjoy all your new peace and quiet.”
When asked why his government focused on plans to reopen bars as opposed to safely preparing for the Fall school term, Ford was blunt. “Look, we only have so much time to handle this once-in-a-generation pandemic. If schools wanted to reopen so bad they should’ve paid to lobby my government, just like the Food and Beverage Industry, the Construction Industry, and the newly-emerging Kids-Sized Margarita Industry.”
In a related story, all of Ontario’s newly reopened playgrounds will now feature a 2-drink minimum.
