Doug Ford rattles bars on cell as imposter continues to competently manage COVID-19 pandemic

TORONTO – An increasingly enraged Premier Doug Ford has taken to shaking the bars on his cage as he is forced to watch an imposter competently manage Ontario’s COVID-19 pandemic respo…

“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” chants self-isolating woman three times into mirror to summon wine delivery

TORONTO – As lockdown-induced boredom sets in across Canada, many people are turning to alcohol to liven up their socially-isolated lives. When faced with long LCBO lines and expensive delivery f…

North Korean officials claim Kim Jong-un not dead, just messy bitch who loves drama

Pyongyang, North Korea – Kim Jong-un’s disappearance from the public eye has raised eyebrows about the North Korean leader’s health, even going so far as to assume he is dead. However…

Saskatchewan, New Brunswick loosen restrictions after being declared non-essential provinces

REGINA/FREDERICTON – The Premiers of Saskatchewan and New Brunswick have announced they will be the first provinces to loosen lockdown restrictions after declaring their provinces as non-es…

Health workers agree being called a hero more effective than personal protective equipment

TORONTO – As COVID-19 continues to spread around the world, many hospitals are experiencing severe shortages of personal protective equipment needed to shield health care workers from the virus. …

Trump pretty sure Tide Pod Challenge will cure COVID-19

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After claiming that UV light and injecting disinfectant might cure the novel coronavirus, President Donald Trump took time from another press conference to speculate that…

Calgary Stampede cancelled, chuckwagon horses to be euthanized anyway

CALGARY – After announcing that the Calgary Stampede would be cancelled for the first time in its 108-year history due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Stampede organizers were at pains to stress …

EDITORIAL: Here’s how I boil my mail to protect myself from COVID-19

by an Anonymous Billionaire In these trying times, it’s important to take some extra precautions to protect yourself from COVID-19 – even if those precautions seem a bit “kooky” or “not bas…

Trudeau: Withholding bailout funds to stop Canadian companies from using tax havens would undermine our longstanding efforts to not stop Canadian companies from using tax havens

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wants the Canadian business community to know that this pandemic and the governmental response to it will in no way alter the Liberal government’s pol…

Sign language interpreters now surpass rock stars in jobs that fuck

VANCOUVER – COVID-19 isn’t the only fever spreading these days. According to a recent poll, sign language interpreters now outrank rock stars when it comes to jobs that fuck. Due to the cur…