Local man eyes 2010 Fun-Run t-shirt as potential toilet paper substitute
CALGARY — With only two rolls remaining and the grocery stores empty, local pipe fitter Trevor Bilton has reported considering alternative toilet paper options during his COVID-19 quarantin…
CRA extends tax deadline citing meaninglessness of all money
OTTAWA — In the wake of the COVID-19 outbreak, the Canada Revenue Agency has extended the national tax filing deadline to June 1st, explaining that “honestly the idea of money is just something p…
NCAA searching for new ways to exploit student athletes after cancellation of March Madness
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – The cancellation of college basketball’s March Madness tournament due to the COVID-19 crisis has left the NCAA scrambling to find new ways to exploit their 500,000 studen…
IOC asks all athletes to participate in Tokyo Olympics from their homes
SWITZERLAND – The International Olympic Committee has asked all athletes to help fight the ongoing Covid-19 crisis by competing in the upcoming Tokyo Games from the isolation of their own homes. …
Celebrities selflessly contribute to public morale by releasing insipid video for everyone to mock
LOS ANGELES – Much of the world may be on lockdown due to the coronavirus, but famous people from around the globe are doing their bit to keep spirits high by making an inane video of them …
Local man assures shoppers he definitely also hoarding toilet paper for coronavirus
MISSISSAUGA, ON — As self-quarantining shoppers clear out many stores’ inventory of toilet paper, local systems analyst Greg Charpman keeps repeatedly insisting that his need to stockpile t…
Local hamster celebrates eight months in social isolation
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Local hamster, Peaches Whitaker, took a moment to celebrate eight months of social isolation, spending her entire life thus far in a tiny plastic cage. “Eight-months baby!…
Airlines announce jet demolition derby to make up lost revenue
TORONTO – In the face of mounting losses, plummeting stock prices, idle jets and the suspension of major spectator sports a number of airlines have announced they will hold jet demolition d…
TTC adequate for first time in 40 years
TORONTO – Bragging that it had been “two whole days” since they had to use shuttle buses, authorities report that for the first time since the late 20th century, Toronto’s mass transit syst…
