OTTAWA – The Trudeau Government has reassured Canadians that every person who is no longer able to apply for government assistance can apply for the “Call Your Parents” benefit. “It’s greatly su...
Health Canada convenes emergency press conference to declare you’re doing quarantine wrong
OTTAWA – At a special press conference Health Canada officials, doctors and scientists came together to declare their finding that you specifically are doing quarantine wrong. “As the gove...
Trump pivots to claiming he actually won 2008 election
WASHINGTON D.C. – After a frantic series of overnight tweets in which he baselessly claimed to have actually won the recent election, outgoing President Donald Trump changed tactics by claiming ...
Alberta launches contact tracing app notifying users if they’ve been near David Suzuki
EDMONTON – The Canadian Energy Centre has launched a new mobile app that will warn users if they were in close contact with environmentalist David Suzuki. Albertans who download the mobile app w...
Rising COVID case numbers risk killing vibe at house party
VANCOUVER – Rising COVID-19 case numbers across the country have led to an increased risk of killing the vibe at an otherwise pretty lit house party, according to several partying sources. “Ughh...
Trump announces rallies, lawsuits in bid to make self too pitiful to arrest
WASHINGTON D.C. – As news outlets confirm their earlier projections of a Biden electoral college win, President Donald Trump has announced further intentions to contest the results in a bid to m...
Biden wins election nine days after winning election
ATLANTA, GA – After final vote tallies from Arizona and Georgia, Joe Biden has won the U.S. presidential election only nine days after winning the U.S. presidential election. With a total of 27 ...
Elon Musk unveils advanced mining drill that goes deep enough to pull his head out from his ass
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced plans for a new thermo-mining drill today that would have the capacity to drill deep enough to pull his head out of his ass. “Today is an ...
Ontario government confirms public health experts were on mute this whole time
TORONTO – The Ontario PC government is claiming they didn’t follow the advice of public health experts because they were on mute this entire time. Ontario Health Minister Christine Elliott said ...
Ford announces new threshold for increasing COVID restrictions will be 1 case more than whatever we currently have
TORONTO – Under fire for changing COVID standards to unsafe levels, Premier Doug Ford has announced a new threshold for when his government will finally impose greater restrictions: exactly one ...
