OTTAWA – At a special press conference Health Canada officials, doctors and scientists came together to declare their finding that you specifically are doing quarantine wrong.
“As the government department responsible for keeping Canadians safe we thought it was important to get this message out,” said Dr. Theresa Tam. “Specifically the message that everything you’ve been doing is wrong and you need to stop it.”
“Have multiple levels of government been giving you increasingly confusing and contradictory rules about how to live life during COVID? Maybe. But the point is you’re bad and this is all your fault.”
Tam and the other officials indicated that your choice to go grocery shopping or get takeout or eat on a patio was an obvious violation, as was your insistence on having a job that does not allow you to work from home and a government that won’t just pay people to stay home where it’s safe.
“I think we can all agree that our response to COVID has become a massive, systemic failure. And that is obviously 100% due to actions by confused and scared individuals and not anything to do with the system we run,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
“You really let us down Canada,” he added.
Canada Health also announced that the only person doing quarantine worse than you is your parents.