Animal Cruelty Whistleblower dead after whistle attracts many bears

WHISTLER – 36-year-old animal rights whistleblower Leonard Bont was found dead after his handy “shut the fuck up and listen” whistle attracted many bears. Medics arrived on the scene too la…

John Tory seeks compromise, offers to de-fun the police

TORONTO — In the wake of backlash to Toronto city council’s refusal to defund the Toronto Police budget by 10%, Mayor John Tory is seeking to appease angry voters by offering to “de-f…

Air Canada promises 100 bonus Aeroplan Miles to any passenger that gets COVID

MONTREAL – In the wake of announcing that the company would abandon social distancing efforts on its flights, Air Canada is attempting to reassure nervous passengers that if they do contrac…

Toronto city council votes to give police body cams in order to watch racism in High Definition

TORONTO – In a divisive decision yesterday, Toronto city council voted against decreasing the massive police budget in favour of providing its officers with body cameras in 2021, so that all futu…

Businessman Trump masterfully convinces Putin to lower bounty on US soldiers by 2%

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The US president has once again brought his considerable business acumen to bear on matters of international diplomacy by successfully persuading Russian President Vladim…

Defunded police officer forced to buy own cocaine to plant on people

Camden, NJ – Faced with economic hardship since his city defunded the police force seven years ago, local police officer Pete Garner has been forced to use his own money for vital supplies,…

Doug Ford announces he couldn’t participate in online Pride since he was already logged onto a virtual cottage

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford explained to his constituents Monday that he was not able to participate in the online Pride Parade this weekend since he had pre-existing plans to log onto a …

Finally a mask for men! This one has a lil dump truck on it

LINDSAY, ON – As many men across the globe have been forced to reckon with the overwhelmingly feminine nature of medical masks, one company, Macho Masks, has capitalized on this concern by …

Jason Kenney: My racist speechwriter doesn’t speak for me, merely writes the words I speak

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney wants everyone to know that the fact that Paul Bunner, the man who writes his speeches, has written anti-Indigenous content in the  recent past has n…

Dixie Cups quietly changes name to Cups

DALLAS, TEXAS – In response to the recent wave of civil rights protests against police brutality and white supremacy erupting throughout North America, iconic paper product company Dixie Cu…