Last green leaf patiently awaits death
VANCOUVER – After weeks of watching all of its brethren slowly expire around it, the last green leaf still alive in the province of B.C. is stoically preparing for its own imminent death. “…
Senate costs rise by a third, productivity stays steady at zero
OTTAWA — After it was revealed that Trudeau’s reforms to the Senate had increased the budget by one third, the government has assured Canadians that the increase in no way made the bo…
Roger Stone concerned he has not yet been rescued from jailhouse by escape zeppelin
WASHINGTON D.C. — Trump political operative Roger Stone, after having been found guilty on seven counts, is reportedly quite anxious that his previously-arranged escape zeppelin has yet to …
Local woman spends day off terrified she’s forgetting something
TORONTO – Yesterday, Lindsay Crawford experienced her first full day off in two months, an event that should have involved nothing but stress-free relaxation. However, the 30-year-old spent the e…
New Toronto dating app replaces first date with moving in together to save on rent
TORONTO – In a crowded dating-app marketplace that includes Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and OK Cupid, a new app has emerged that is marketed specifically toward Toronto singles looking to co-hab…
Beef Industry finally develops Beyond Meat product that can feel pain
OMAHA – Food scientists working for members of the U.S. beef industry announced a breakthrough this week, successfully engineering a new strain of Beyond Meat plant protein products capable of fe…
Quebec’s version of Don Cherry happy real Don Cherry fired
QUEBEC – A Quebec man clearly inspired by former Hockey Night in Canada host Don Cherry says he is glad the abrasive sports pundit who inspired him has been removed from his job. The Premie…
Straight woman outraged that lesbian friend does not have a crush on her
HAMILTON, ONT. – Local woman, Jessica Milton, who identifies as straight, was left shocked and bewildered upon learning that her lesbian friend, Taylor Kennedy, does not, in fact, have a crush on…
Sudoku player goes on wild ride after placing two 7s in the same column
TOFINO, BC – A local Sudoku player is recovering from a white-knuckle brush with the edge after a simple mistake sent him on a terrifying backtracking adventure to salvage almost 14 minutes…
Don Cherry passes Fox News job interview
NEW YORK – Former host of Coach’s Corner has successfully passed his Fox News commentator/reporter interview with flying colours after a televised discussion with Tucker Carlson. “We’re ver…
