OTTAWA – In a speech from the throne opening the new session of Parliament, the Liberal Party outlined their plan to get around to doing what they promised five years ago.
“We’re so sorry, guys, we totally spaced,” said Governor General Julie Payette, reading the government’s remarks to a socially distant Senate chamber. “Just remembered about daycare and systemic racism. Oh man, we were going to reform EI too? Good thing our heads are attached to our bodies, eh? But we promise we’re going to get to it this time, for real.”
The government responded to criticism that Canada’s response to COVID-19 would have been better had these measures been passed when the Liberals were first elected with a majority government, the prime minister stated in a televised address that “when we made these promises in 2015, what we meant was that we would sit on them for 5 years and then announce them all at once in order to bait the Conservatives into an election. Pretty sure that was spelled out on our website.”
Government sources back up the prime minister, saying that passing such progressive legislation was more complicated than it seemed.
“For each of these things you have to have a meeting that takes two whole hours, where Justin tells everyone what to do,” said a Liberal spokesperson. “Then you have to type out a whole bill with just a few thousand people to help. Then all of our MPs have to wait, like, ten minutes for the little green bus to pick them up outside their office and drive them next door to vote. We gotta do that shit three times! Three!”
Sources say it’s just the beginning as the government sets off in a bold new direction after COVID-19, and at next year’s speech from the throne, the government will deliver on all the promises made by the Liberal governments in the 90s, with Quebec signing the constitution and funding to prevent Y2K.